Grief in Children and Teenagers: How to Help Your Child Cope With Loss
Grief in children and teenagers can look very different from grief in adults, and it often catches parents by surprise. Whether your child has lost a grandparent, a parent, a much-loved pet or a close friendship, loss can bring up so many confusing and conflicting emotions. I want to help you feel confident about how to support your child through it.
As a clinical psychologist, I have supported children, teens and their families through bereavement and other big losses for more than 20 years, first in the NHS and now as Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology. In this guide I explain the signs of grief to look out for, how grief changes as children grow, and practical ways you can help your child cope at home and at school.
The losses that can trigger grief in children and teens
Grief is the word we usually use when someone has died, and bereavement is often the hardest loss a child will face. However, any loss can trigger a grief reaction. Children and teens may grieve:
- the death of a family member, friend or pet
- parents separating or divorcing
- moving house, changing school or a close friend moving away
- the end of a friendship or relationship
- missing out on something they had worked hard for or looked forward to, such as a school trip, a prom or exams they had prepared for
Some of these are examples of disenfranchised grief. This is grief for a loss that other people don’t recognise as “big enough” to grieve, such as the death of a pet or a friendship ending. These losses deserve the same care and kindness as any other. Children may also feel the knock-on effect of adult losses, such as a parent losing their job or a family member becoming seriously ill. However much we try to protect them, children usually pick up on the emotional impact.
Common signs of grief in children and teenagers
The signs of grief can be emotional, physical and behavioural. You might notice:
- Emotional signs: sadness, anger, worry, mood swings, clinginess or tearfulness that seems to come from nowhere
- Physical signs: tummy aches, headaches, tiredness, changes in appetite and sleep disturbances such as nightmares or difficulty falling asleep
- Behavioural signs: withdrawing from friends or family, irritability, outbursts, losing interest in hobbies or finding it hard to concentrate at school
Some children also experience survivor guilt. They may wonder why they are okay when someone else isn’t, or quietly worry that the loss was somehow their fault. Calmly asking what they think happened can bring these worries into the open so you can talk them through together.
How grief differs in younger children and adolescents
Your child’s developmental stage shapes how they understand and show grief. Younger children, aged around 5 to 8, may not yet fully understand that death is permanent and may ask the same questions again and again. They often dip in and out of grief, playing happily one minute and tearful the next. Children aged around 9 to 12 understand that death is permanent and may start to worry about other people they love dying, so they often want clear facts.
Teens and adolescents understand loss much as adults do, but they may hide their feelings to protect you or to fit in with friends. Teen grief can show up as withdrawal, anger, or risky behaviour such as staying out late or drinking alcohol. A grieving teen may want more space and turn to friends first. Peer support can be very helpful, and your teen still needs to know you are there whenever they are ready to talk.
Why grief comes in waves
Grief comes in waves. This diagram is taken from the Heegard series of books for children, which I have found invaluable over the years in my work as a clinical psychologist:
This means that some days, your child may appear to be dealing with the loss in a matter-of-fact way with no difficulties at all. Other days, they may feel weighed down or overwhelmed by complex emotions. Both are a normal part of grieving.
How long does grief last in children and teens?
There is no right or wrong pathway when it comes to grief, and there is no set time limit. What grief looks like will depend on so many things: your child’s age, how easily they can put their feelings into words, and how stable and secure their life was before the loss.
Children who felt happy and secure beforehand, and who have an adult in their lives who makes them feel safe, are more likely to have the resilience to bounce back from their losses. Those who were already feeling unsafe or stressed may find the extra burden of loss more overwhelming and may need more support from the adults around them.
Grief can also return at anniversaries, birthdays and big milestones such as starting secondary school, sometimes years later. This is very common, and it usually passes more quickly each time.
How to support grief in children and teenagers at home
Validate the feeling of loss
You may feel tempted to say, “It’s only a school trip” or “Lots of people are worse off.” Try to empathise with the emotion, rather than what is causing it. Others may indeed be worse off, and your child’s loss is still valid to them.
Active listening helps here. Give your child your full attention, reflect back what you hear (“You’re really missing Grandma today”) and resist the urge to fix the feeling straight away.
Talk openly and honestly
Use clear words such as “died” rather than “gone to sleep” or “lost”, which can confuse younger children. Open-ended questions such as “What’s been on your mind about Grandad?” invite more than a yes or no answer. With teens, conversations side by side in the car or on a walk often feel easier than sitting face to face.
Help them identify and process their emotions
When your child is ready, encourage them to express their emotions in a contained way. Children could draw the emotion they feel. Does their confusion feel like a big tornado? Does their sadness feel like a heavy coat? Visuals help us process things that seem fuzzy and hard to pin down, making them easier to understand and less scary.
My son took to writing poetry at one point. Others may write music, and journaling suits many teens. For others still, just talking is the best way. This book by Marge Heegard is fantastic for helping children make sense of difficult events, and you can find more ideas in my guide to emotional regulation activities for children.
Make sure they understand that all emotions are okay
Acknowledge that their emotions might be “messy” and mixed up, and that positive emotions will often be mixed in. For example, after a move they might be excited about their new bedroom, sad about leaving friends and worried about a new school, all at once. All emotions are allowed, and all are valid.
Create some structure in the day
Structure is containing. Children gain a sense of safety from doing certain things at the same time each day, such as eating meals together in the evenings. Within that framework, make sure your child has time for some “flow” activities. These are enjoyable activities that a child can become fully absorbed in, such as building, drawing, sport or music.
While your child is absorbed in that activity, their mind is fully in the present rather than caught up in thoughts about the past or the future. This gives their brain and nervous system a break from complicated emotions and the physical reactions they create in the body.
Work together with your child’s school
Let your child’s teacher or head of year know what has happened. Teachers want the best for every child, and school support works best as a team effort between you, your child and school. You might ask about a trusted adult your child can go to, a quiet space when feelings run high, or some flexibility around homework and exams for a while.
Look after yourself too
If you are grieving the same loss, supporting your child can feel exhausting. Children learn a great deal from watching how we cope, so looking after your own wellbeing as a parent is one of the most helpful things you can do for them. It is fine to let your child see that you are sad too, and to show them what you do to help yourself feel better.
When to seek professional grief support for your child
Most children and teens work through grief with the love and support of the people around them. However, it is a good idea to speak to your GP or a mental health professional if you notice any of these warning signs:
- grief is still having a strong effect on daily life many months after the loss, which may be a sign of prolonged grief
- your child has stopped going to school, seeing friends or doing things they used to enjoy
- sleep problems, anxiety or low mood that aren’t easing over time
- risky behaviour, or your child talking about wanting to be with the person who died or not wanting to be alive (contact your GP straight away, or emergency services if you are worried about their immediate safety)
Helpful options include grief counselling (often called grief counseling in the USA) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), a talking therapy that helps children understand the links between their thoughts, feelings and actions. Support groups, where children meet others who have been bereaved, can also help them feel understood. In the UK, the charity Winston’s Wish and Child Bereavement UK offer free advice and grief support for families. In the USA, the Dougy Center has resources and can help you find support near you.
Reassure your child that painful feelings will ease
Grief in children and teenagers is complex, different for everyone, and comes in waves. However, your child needs to know that any uncomfortable or unpleasant feelings will not always be there. They will lessen and eventually pass, just like clouds in the sky. With your patience and support, your child can learn to carry their loss and still enjoy life again.
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology. She qualified as a clinical psychologist from Oxford University in 2005 and worked in the National Health Service for many years before moving fully into her leadership and writing roles.
In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy lives with her family, rescue cats and dog, and also fosters cats through a local animal welfare charity. She loves singing in a vocal harmony group and spending time in nature.
