How to Cope With Unwanted Parenting Advice
As the parent of a child or teen, over the years you’ve developed a parenting style that feels right for your family.
But no matter where you go with your child, from school meetings to family gatherings, there always seems to be someone eager to offer their own pearls of wisdom on raising kids.
When my daughter was two weeks old, a gentleman in a lift said “she’s cute now, but you’ll hate the terrible twos, enjoy it while it lasts”. I remember thinking, ‘who asked you?’ and thought he should mind his own business. (By the way, the terrible twos never happened!)
It’s human nature to be curious.
People like to share their own stories and impart wisdom with good intentions.
Well-meaning friends can tell you how to do it better or differently.
But sometimes, we parents don’t want or need input from a third party. It can impact our confidence as a parent, and with all the pressures we face, that’s the last thing we need.
Let’s look at how to handle unwanted parenting advice.
My Seven Strategies For Handling Unwanted Parenting Advice
It’s not just random strangers who can give unsolicited parenting advice. Of course, well-meaning family members often share their views and experiences. They may “feel the need” to tell you what to do on topics such as discipline, technology or manners – all without being asked!
A lot of the unwanted parenting advice comes from a place of love, but if it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to accept it.
Here are my seven strategies for successfully managing unwanted parenting advice, based on my years of parenting three (now adult) children and as a counsellor.
1. Set Boundaries For Yourself
Identify your parenting priorities, and have confidence in them. Share these with your close family & friends so that cross-care consistency can be achieved.
For example, if you believe it’s important for your child to do homework right after school, be clear with your family and close friends about this rule. This way, if someone suggests your child should relax first instead, they’ll already know your rules and why you set them.
2. Be Thoughtful In Your Responses
Where possible, be polite and thoughtful in your responses when someone offers unwanted advice. This may involve taking a few moments to your self to calm and regulate yourself if you feel triggered. It can help (once you feel calm) to try to understand where their comment came from.
For example: If your mother-in-law says you don’t discipline the kids enough, this might be because she comes from a strict background and she has never experienced another way. Families are different these days and she is unaware that there are more effective ways of parenting.
This might lead to you saying to your mother-in-law: “I understand where you are coming from, but I am choosing to use a more collaborative approach with the kids, because I have found that it gets the best out of them.”
3. Avoid Knee-Jerk Reactions
Avoid knee-jerk reactions to passive-aggressive remarks. This can be so hard, especially if there are tricky dynamics within your extended family, but remember that you have the right to decide how to be a parent.
Here’s an example: Imagine you’re at a family gathering and a relative says, “I see your son still goes to bed pretty early. You know, letting him stay up might make him less dependent on a strict schedule.”
This comment is a bit passive-aggressive, implying your parenting might be too controlling.
Instead of reacting defensively, take a deep breath and respond calmly, “Thanks for your thoughts, but we’ve found that a consistent bedtime really works best for us. We appreciate your concern!”
This approach acknowledges their comment without agreeing or getting into a debate, and it reinforces your confidence in your parenting choices.
4. Change the Topic of Conversation
Or, avoid certain topics. If you know that a member of your family is very outspoken on specific topics then it’s probably best not to bring up in conversation.
5. Choose Your Battles!
There are definitely times when it’s healthy to express your opinion and challenge someone’s unwanted remarks.
Sometimes though, it’s better to choose your battles, letting the pieces of advice pass while you nod and smile!
In order to do this, you need to take care of yourself, ensuring you get enough sleep and rest, and ring-fencing some “you-time”, so that you have the emotional space to deal with this unwanted parenting advice.
6. Keep a Sense of Humour
I have found that humour can be a powerful antidote to unwanted parenting advice. It can lighten the atmosphere with it feels heavy and full of resentment.
For example, if someone comments: “You really should enforce stricter bedtime rules if you want them to perform well,” you might respond with a smile, “Thanks for the tip! We tried scheduling sleep once, but my kids are convinced they’re nocturnal. Maybe they were owls in a past life!”
7. “I” Before “You”
Using “I” statements when responding to unwanted parenting advice helps keep a positive and respectful dialogue.
By focusing on your personal choices and experiences, like saying, “I have found that giving James a choice of two meals works best,” you clearly communicate your methods without passing judgment on others.
In contrast, statements like, “You don’t understand James’ difficulties, or you wouldn’t have suggested that I am pandering to him,” can cause defensiveness in the other person, which can escalate.
By sticking to “I” statements, you effectively share your perspective while keeping the conversation constructive and focused on creating understanding rather than blame.
TAKE THE QUIZ!
When Being Polite Just Won’t Cut it
Over time, you will become an expert of your child. You will learn the right ways to approach challenging behaviour, understand what is in their best interests, and develop your own way of becoming a better parent.
Even then, people can believe that you should make different choices often citing their successes with their own kids.
Some people have a sense of superiority, applying zero consideration to how you might be feeling or coping.
The most important thing to remember is that people’s opinions are just that…..their opinions.
Let’s consider what to do if someone not only seems determined to offer unwanted advice, but tries to take over. Perhaps they are even confrontational?
- Stay calm and composed. This will help to avoid escalating the situation. Slow, deep breaths can help you to remain calm, even if the conversation becomes heated.
Response example: “Personally, that doesn’t make me comfortable, but I’ll give it some thought”.
- Communicate clearly & assertively. Remain polite to help avoid getting drawn into an argument but firmly state your boundaries.
Response example: “I understand you have a strong view on the matter but we’re really satisfied with our doctor’s advice on Lily’s health”.
- End the conversation. One of the worst things is when someone won’t back down or keeps on like a broken record with pestering questions. If this happens, it’s okay to disengage entirely. You could try this by changing the subject or removing yourself completely.
Response example: “I hear everything you’ve said and I’m sure it’s from a place of care, but I have clear views on how to raise my child. I think we should leave it there.”
If the situation escalates, it’s really important to protect your emotional wellbeing.
Depending on the situation, you may have to take a proactive approach to deal with extreme levels of unwanted parenting advice.
- Choose whether or how much time you want to spend with the person.
- Explain that they have hurt your feelings and ask if they realise the impact their words have had on your relationship.
- Stop talking to the person or unfriend them.
- Block the person from your phone & social media accounts.
Unwanted Parenting Advice vs Getting The Support You Need
Parenting can be hard, at any stage of your child’s development. Valuable support may be available to you from family & close friends a lot of the time, but you might find that other resources can help too. Here’s a good place to start.
Support groups are offered on-line or in person & are often community lead. Group examples include Mumsnet, Facebook and Mumsmeetup.
If you are a UK parent, at They Are The Future we offer a supportive online parenting membership called Everlief Parent Club for parents of school-aged children.
Skills groups such as Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) offer parenting tips & workshops that teach communication & discipline skills, conflict resolution, managing stress & setting boundaries.
Unwanted Parenting Advice: Let’s Sum Up
The next time someone wants to offer unwanted parenting advice, stay cool and calm and be confident about your parenting choices. This will go a long way in keeping the conversation focussed.
Remain open to new and different perspectives though. Remember, you can politely acknowledge and thank someone for their ideas, whilst staying assured and confident about what is right and best for your family.
Related Articles
The Art of Saying No To Your Teen
Parenting an Overly Competitive Child: Expert Tips
Single Parent Burnout Symptoms and Powerful Strategies
Hayley Vaughan-Smith is a Person-Centred Counsellor accredited by the National Counselling & Psychotherapy Society. She is the founder and counsellor at The Ridge Practice in Buckinghamshire, and counsellor at Everlief Child Psychology.
Hayley has a special interest in bereavement counselling and worked as a bereavement volunteer with Cruse Bereavement Care for four years.
Hayley is mum to 3 grown up girls, and gardening and walking in nature is her own personal therapy. Hayley believes being in nature, whatever the weather, is incredibly beneficial for mental health well-being.
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