The Art of Saying No To Your Teen
In the journey of parenting teens, striking the right balance between empathy and authority is tricky but one hundred percent necessary.
You are more than just a friend. You are a guardian shaping their future. Sometimes this means we have to be the “bad guy”, and this can take a good deal of courage.
I’ll talk you through the art of saying “no” with love and firmness.
By setting clear boundaries you’re teaching critical life lessons in responsibility and respect.
1. Explain Your Reasoning
When you say no, explain why.
For example, if your teen asks to go to a late-night party on a school night, you might say, “I know it sounds fun, but losing sleep could really make school tough the next day.”
This will help your teen understand the big picture behind your decision and see your point of view.
2. Stay Calm and Firm
Keep your tone of voice steady and calm when you say no.
If you’re feeling upset, it’s a good idea to take a moment to collect yourself first. Give yourself a little space so your nervous system stays in control and you can remain firm about your decision.
By staying calm, you are also modelling a critical life skill to your teen daughter or son: effective communication.
Staying calm also means paying attention to your body language. Be sure not to square up to your young person.
Keep your shoulders soft and stay on the same level as your teen. For example, if they are sitting, do the same.
TAKE THE QUIZ!
3. Empathize with Their Feelings
Acknowledge how your teen feels and express empathy.
You might say, “I get that this is disappointing for you,” or “I know it’s frustrating.” This doesn’t change your decision, but it shows you care about their emotions despite your clear expectations and firm limits.
4. Offer Alternatives
If you say no to one thing, suggest an alternative activity.
Instead of a weeknight party, maybe suggest they can go out on Saturday night. It’s the best way to show you’re not just against fun, but that timing and context matter.
At the end of the day, if you have your child’s health and welfare top of mind, you can feel confident in the firm limits you are setting.
5. Be Consistent
Apply the same rules all the time. If curfew is usually 9 p.m. on school nights, don’t change it without a good reason.
Consistency makes your expectations clear and fair.
6. Listen to Their Side
Give your teen a chance to talk. They might share something that could affect your decision.
Even if it doesn’t change your mind, the bottom line is that listening first without judgement is a great way to show respect for their viewpoint.
7. Set Clear Boundaries
Make sure your teen knows what is non-negotiable. For instance, no drinking means no drinking, no exceptions. Clear boundaries help them understand what is expected and why.
8. Use Natural Consequences
If your teen stays up too late, don’t let them skip school the next day.
Letting our young people face the consequences of their choices teaches them the importance of your rules and they are more likely to do the right thing next time, having learned from their mistakes.
9. Avoid Lengthy Arguments
Keep your explanations brief and to the point.
If your teen tries to argue, calmly restate your decision once more and do not get drawn into a debate.
This maintains your authority and will help prevent escalation, even when you’re dealing with high emotions and tough issues.
10. Reaffirm Your Love and Support
End conversations by affirming your love. Say, “I said no because I care about you and your wellbeing.”
This reinforces that your guidance comes from a place of love.
Today’s teens face many challenges and they need a nurturing yet firm parenting style to contain them through this period.
Related Articles
Parenting with Flex: When to Bend the Boundaries (By A Child Psychologist)
Why Supportive Parenting is Key to Child Mental Health
Is Overprotective Parenting Harming Your Child’s Self-Esteem?
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years. In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children.
Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.
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