Is Overprotective Parenting Harming Your Child’s Self-Esteem?
Research clearly indicates that low self-esteem among children and teenagers is on the rise.
Scientists and psychologists have been working hard to understand why.
One particular area they have focused on is the impact of parenting styles, particularly the role of overprotective parenting in shaping a child’s self-esteem.
In this article I’ll help you explore whether your protective parenting style is unintentionally affecting your child’s self-confidence and resilience.
The Role of Overprotective Parenting
Professor Martin Seligman, a leading expert in positive psychology, suggests that one reason our efforts to boost children’s self-esteem may have been counterproductive is that we’ve placed too much emphasis on how children feel, rather than on what they do.
By shielding children from difficult situations and uncomfortable emotions, we may have actually stunted their ability to handle challenges effectively.
This overprotection can leave them ill-prepared for the inevitable ups and downs of life.
Ironically, many children who have never faced significant hardship or adversity seem to feel less confident and more anxious than ever before. I have certainly noticed this in my clinic.
TAKE THE QUIZ!
Where Do Praise, Criticism, Failure, and Problem-Solving Fit In?
As parents, we naturally want to protect our children from pain and disappointment.
However, when we overprotect, we can hinder their emotional growth and developing self-esteem.
The way we handle praise, criticism, failure, and problem-solving plays a crucial role in how our children see themselves and their abilities.
Let’s explore how well-meaning strategies can sometimes backfire and what we can do instead.
1. Giving Constant Praise for Minimal Achievement or Effort
It’s natural to want to praise your child to boost their confidence.
However, when praise is given too often for little effort or achievement, it can backfire.
- Problem 1: Your child’s self-esteem becomes based on empty praise, making them feel like a fraud because deep down, they know the praise isn’t earned.
- Problem 2: They may become overly reliant on external validation, needing constant praise to feel good about themselves.
- Problem 3: Without understanding the value of hard work, they might assume they’re entitled to praise, leading to a lack of motivation to strive for more.
- Problem 4: When praise isn’t given, they may feel upset or even angry, struggling to understand why.
2. Protecting Your Child from Constructive Criticism
It’s only natural to want to shield your child from negativity, but avoiding criticism altogether can do more harm than good.
- Problem 1: When your child never hears constructive criticism, even minor negative comments can feel overwhelming and like a huge deal.
- Problem 2: They may become overly sensitive, unable to handle even slight criticism, and may struggle to grow from feedback.
- Problem 3: Without learning to process and grow from criticism, they may lack the ability to put things into perspective and miss out on opportunities to improve.
3. Protecting Your Child from Experiencing Failure
It’s understandable to want to spare your child from the pain of failure, but doing so can deprive them of essential learning experiences.
- Problem 1: When children are shielded from failure, they often find it unbearable because they haven’t developed coping mechanisms.
- Problem 2: They may avoid challenges altogether, fearing failure so much that they won’t push themselves to grow.
- Problem 3: Without the experience of overcoming failure, they tend to give up easily when things get tough, missing out on building resilience and confidence.
4. Focusing Too Much on “Self-Love” and “Self-Importance”
While it’s important for your child to value themselves, overemphasizing self-love and self-importance can lead to unintended consequences.
- Problem 1: Your child may develop an inflated sense of self, which can be shattered when they encounter the harsher realities of life.
- Problem 2: There’s a risk of self-centredness, where your child prioritizes their needs over others, harming relationships.
- Problem 3: This self-focus can lead to insecurity and isolation, as meaningful connections with others become more difficult.
- Problem 4: They may also develop rigid self-identities (e.g., being “the smart one” or “the pretty one”), which can be limiting and unrealistic.
5. Taking Over and Solving Their Problems for Them
It’s tempting to step in and solve your child’s problems, but doing so can prevent them from developing crucial life skills.
- Problem 1: Your child doesn’t learn how to fight their own battles, making them overly reliant on others.
- Problem 2: They may lack the confidence to tackle challenges independently, feeling insecure when facing new situations.
- Problem 3: Without practice in problem-solving, they may blame others for their issues and struggle to take responsibility.
- Problem 4: They might start to expect others to always solve their problems, leading to a lack of personal accountability.
Time To Reflect: Is Overprotection Holding Your Child Back?
As parents, it’s natural to want to protect our children, but sometimes our good intentions can inadvertently cause harm.
Take a moment to reflect on whether your overprotectiveness might be hindering your child’s growth and resilience.
Consider choosing one small change you could make today. Perhaps allowing them to solve a problem on their own or take a calculated risk.
By taking this step, you’re helping to build your child’s confidence and laying the foundation for stronger self-esteem for life.
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The 3 Pillars of High Self-Esteem in Children
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years. In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children.
Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.
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