The 3 Pillars of High Self-Esteem in Children

Helping your child with their self-esteem involves understanding what self-esteem actually is.
Psychologists generally agree that self-esteem is made up of three elements: competence, resilience, and optimism.
Each of these areas plays a vital role in shaping how children see themselves and their abilities.
By separating these traits and working on them individually, you can effectively help your child develop a robust and healthy self-esteem.
That’s what I’m going to support you to do in this article.

Competence: Building Skills and Self-Efficacy
Competence refers to how skilled and effective your child feels in various situations. It’s not really about how good they are at something. It’s more about believing in their ability to meet challenges.
When a child masters new skills, whether academic, social, or physical, their self-esteem grows.
However, it’s important to recognize that competence is situational. A child may feel highly competent in one area, like maths, but less so in another, like sports.
To build your child’s sense of competence, you can:
Tip | Description |
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Help your child experience “FLOW” | Encourage your child to engage in activities that captivate their full attention and challenge them just enough. “Flow” occurs when they’re deeply immersed in something they enjoy, like playing an instrument or a sport. This state boosts confidence and happiness as they lose track of time and feel a sense of accomplishment. |
Support your child to cope when struggling but don’t rescue them | Offer guidance and encouragement when your child is struggling, but allow them to work through the challenge. This teaches problem-solving skills and resilience. For instance, if they’re frustrated with homework, guide them rather than giving the answers. |
Praise effort more than achievement | Focus on the hard work and persistence your child shows, rather than just the end result. Saying, “I’m proud of how much effort you put into this project,” encourages a growth mindset, which is key for lifelong learning. |
Make sure your praise is specific, not general | Give detailed feedback when praising your child. Instead of saying, “Good job,” say, “You did a great job organising your room today.” This helps them understand exactly what they did well and reinforces positive behaviours. |
Competence is not about excelling in everything but finding areas where children can thrive and feel a sense of mastery.
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Resilience: Adapting to Life’s Challenges
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, adapt to change, and keep going despite difficulties.
It’s a crucial area of self-esteem because life is full of challenges, and how a child handles them significantly affects their self-view.
A resilient child doesn’t give up when faced with a problem. They see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
You can build your child’s resilience in several ways:
Tip | Description |
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Let your child make mistakes | Allow your child to make mistakes and learn from them. This builds resilience and critical thinking. If they forget to pack their lunch, let them face the consequence and learn to be more responsible next time. |
Help your child develop a “Growth Mindset” | Teach your child that the brain is malleable, meaning it constantly grows and changes with new experiences and learning. Emphasise that effort and persistence physically strengthen brain connections, making them smarter over time. For example, when they struggle with a new skill, explain how their brain is forming new pathways, which will make it easier next time. |
Teach your child to problem solve and think flexibly | Guide your child in finding multiple solutions to problems and adapting when things don’t go as planned. Encourage them to brainstorm different approaches when faced with a challenge, such as figuring out a new way to complete a difficult puzzle. |
Teach your child to work through difficulties rather than avoid them | Encourage your child to face challenges head-on rather than shying away from them. Explain that working through tough situations builds strength and resilience. For instance, if they’re nervous about speaking in front of the class, help them practise rather than letting them skip the presentation. |
Develop your child’s ability to ask for help | Teach your child that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. Encourage them to seek guidance when they’re stuck, such as asking a teacher for clarification on a confusing assignment. This skill will help them learn more effectively and build stronger relationships. |

Resilience grows through experience, particularly when children are allowed to navigate obstacles with the right support, building their confidence in handling life’s ups and downs.
Optimism: Cultivating a Positive Outlook
Children who are optimistic tend to have higher self-esteem and better mental health because they view difficulties as temporary and surmountable, rather than insurmountable barriers.
This positive outlook helps them to approach challenges with confidence, believing that they have the ability to overcome them or that everything will work out okay in the end.
As a result, they are more likely to take risks and try new things, which further reinforces their sense of competence and self-worth.

To nurture optimism in your child, you can:
Tip | Description |
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Help your child recognise their thoughts as mental events, not facts | Teach your child that thoughts are just ideas their brain creates, not necessarily truths. For example, if they think, “I’m bad at maths,” remind them it’s just a thought, not a fact. This helps them gain perspective and avoid being overwhelmed by negative thinking. |
Challenge your child’s unhelpful thinking patterns | When your child has negative or irrational thoughts, encourage them to question these beliefs. For instance, if they say, “No one likes me,” chat through the evidence for and against this thought. This helps them develop a more balanced and realistic view. |
Help them reframe negative experiences, finding the silver lining or lessons learned | Encourage your child to look for positives or lessons in difficult situations. For example, if they lose a game, help them see it as an opportunity to improve. |
Surround them with positive role models who demonstrate optimistic thinking | Ensure your child is exposed to people who model positive, hopeful attitudes. This could include family members, teachers, or even characters in books and movies. These role models can inspire your child to adopt a similar mindset, which can significantly boost their self-esteem and outlook on life. |
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Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years. In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children.
Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.
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