From Misunderstood to Heard: The Six Essential Listening Techniques for Deeper Parent-Child Connections
I think we could all do with a reminder now and then, about how to really listen to our children.
Sometimes, my son wants to tell me about his new video game or what he learned in class today, and although it might be an inconvenient time, I try to stop and listen. I appreciate the fact that as a teenager, he wants to share part of his life with me.
The more time you make for this type of connection, the better your relationship will be. In this article I will take you through the six most effective listening skills for parents.
The Hidden Power of Listening
Most of these sound pretty obvious when they are listed, but what child could not do with a little more of the things listed below?
Good active listening skills can ensure a child:
- Feels that their thoughts and feelings matter.
- Feels “heard” and valued, strengthening the relationship between the two of you.
- Learns good listening themselves, by copying the skills you model to them. This will improve the quality of all your child’s relationships. It’s essential that children develop their own listening skills, because adults who do not listen (interrupt, talk about themselves more than listen to others) can be seen as rude or self-centred. This can affect all aspects of their lives, both personal and professional.
Listening Isn’t Just Hearing: Deeper Skills You Can Build
When I was a university student, I spent 3 years as a regular volunteer with Nightline, a telephone listening service which is a bit like The Samaritans.
New volunteers spent five days on a training course, just learning how to listen. For example, when is silence better than giving a response? When might it be more effective to summarise what you have just heard, so that the speaker knows you have understood?
In my fourth year of university, I ran the service, and became a trainer myself. Five whole days devoted to listening might sound excessive but there are so many skills involved.
Here are just a few of the most powerful techniques I learned and still teach even now.
Feel Like Your Child Doesn’t Open Up? These 6 Listening Skills Will Change That
1. Listening Sounds (mm-hm, mmm, aha, etc!)
Listening sounds show that you are following what somebody is saying, especially when it is a long story or there are lots of twists and turns. You show you are listening, without interrupting your child’s flow.
Vary your listening sounds to show you are truly listening. For example, if someone said “mm-hmm” twenty times in a row, I would be suspicious that they were just going through the motions!
2. Repeating Back
I’m not talking about repeating back in parrot-fashion. To show you have been giving full attention and processing what your child has said, try summarising it, or repeating it back in a slightly different way.
For example… “So, it sounds like you’ve had a happy first day at school, even though you said having to read out loud in English was embarrassing because you stumbled over your words.”
3. The Power of Silence
Silence gives your child a chance to collect their thoughts together and process what they have said. It gives the listener (you) a chance to consider different responses and choose the best one.
Silence will provide a space for your child to continue to talk after a pause, slowly working things out in their head as they go. It also ensures that your child has actually finished speaking, before you launch in with a response.
Interrupting is one of the most serious listening mistakes, as it can give the speaker the impression that you are following your own agenda rather than theirs.
Try adding in some silences when chatting with your child, and notice its power!
TAKE THE QUIZ!
4. Make Some Eye Contact
Good face-to-face listening generally requires some eye contact.
Making eye contact helps you check out the emotions that are registering on your child’s face, so that you can better adjust your response. It allows your child to see that you are focusing on them with no distractions.
Better still, it allows your child to check out your emotional response. Your (hopefully!) calm and containing reaction can also be very reassuring for them.
However… too much eye contact can actually be unhelpful.
It depends on the topic of conversation.
If your child feels ready to share something really difficult or painful with you, it can be powerful to limit your eye contact. Too much can feel too exposing for them.
Many of the deepest conversations happen on car journeys when we can’t make good use of eye contact or body language.
Normally in a one-to-one conversation you would face towards someone, but when driving you cannot do this. This can somehow create a less pressured environment for talking.
5. Ask Questions
There are many types of questions you can ask to make a child feel heard.
For example, you can check your understanding of something or check that you have heard correctly.
“Do you mean that you didn’t enjoy lunchtime today because you couldn’t find your friends? Or do you mean that you don’t normally enjoy lunchtimes at all?”
You could ask a question to develop the conversation further.
“I can tell that you really enjoyed the film; what was your favourite part?”
With older children, or children who are verbally confident, you could ask them a more open-ended question:
“So, you’ve told me you are interested in conservation, but what are your views about global warming?”
6. Empathise With The Emotion
As parents, it’s natural to feel a range of emotions when our child opens up. We might feel proud when they make good choices or feel disappointed or shocked when they make questionable ones.
But one of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned as both a psychologist and a parent is this:
When listening, set judgments aside and empathize with the emotions your child is expressing, even if you don’t agree with what they are saying.
Imagine this:
Amelia decides she’s had enough homework for one night. She’s already spent two hours on it and feels it’s unfair that four teachers assigned work on the same day. Her dad is concerned that skipping the rest could lead to a detention. Still, he tells her, “I can see why you’d feel frustrated and overwhelmed.” He is showing her that he hears and understand her emotions, even if he doesn’t agree with her choice.
Or consider Spencer, who’s excitedly recounting his first rehearsal for the school play. He’s only eight, and his story bounces around as he talks about the characters and plot. His mum doesn’t follow every detail, but she reflects his enthusiasm: “You sound so thrilled to be part of this!” Her tone and expression mirrors his excitement, showing him she’s genuinely interested.
When we empathize with our child’s feelings, we’re helping them build “emotional literacy.”
Recognizing and naming emotions is a cornerstone of emotional development.
The best part? Parenting provides endless opportunities to practice these skills every day.
So, why not start now?
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Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years. In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children.
Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.
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