Parenting With Flex: When to Bend the Boundaries (By A UK Child Psychologist)

Written by Dr Lucy Russell DClinPsyc CPsychol AFBPsS

Is it possible that a little flexibility could be your best parenting tool?

Sometimes, letting your rules bend can help your child learn and grow in a way that’s supportive and understanding, giving them the space they need.

But when – and how – should you do this?

Flexible parenting isn’t about lacking boundaries. It’s about adapting them thoughtfully to help your child learn and develop.

It’s important to blend empathy with discipline.

Let’s look at how you can use flexible boundaries to ensure your child feels supported yet free to make some of their own decisions.

What Actually Are Boundaries?

Boundaries in parenting are like rules that help everyone know what’s expected.

They help children feel safe and understand their limits.

For example, a bedtime boundary ensures children get enough sleep, while a boundary about homework helps them learn responsibility.

Here are three quick tips for setting effective boundaries:

1. Be Clear and Consistent: Make sure your rules are easy to understand and apply them consistently.
2. Explain the Reasons: Help your child understand why boundaries are important. This makes them more likely to follow them. With older children and teens it’s a good idea to discuss the boundaries together and take their views into account so it feels like they are “buying into” the process.
3. Adjust When Needed: As your child grows, their needs change. Sometimes, you might need to adjust the boundaries to fit their development.

Setting boundaries like these can help children learn to navigate their world more confidently.

Flexibility Within Structure

In my view as a child psychologist with more than twenty years’ experience, balancing flexibility with structure is the most important ingredient to great parenting.

Imagine it like mixing two colours.

Too much of one can overshadow the other.

A careful balance between steady rules and being open to change helps create a supportive space for kids to grow up in.

But no parent is going to get the balance right every time. My philosophy is all about the idea of a “good enough parent”.

Always aim for good enough, not perfect!

Here’s a step-by-step guide to adjusting boundaries as your child grows:

1. Start with a Strong Foundation: Set clear basic rules that cover safety and respect.
2. Listen and Adapt: As your child grows, listen to their needs and adjust rules to suit their development stages.
3. Evaluate and Discuss: Regularly review the boundaries with your child and your partner if you have one, discussing what works and what might need changing.
4. Stay Flexible: Be open to making changes that support your child’s growth, even if it means bending rules occasionally.

Now we’ll explore four key areas where flexible parenting can make a big difference in your child’s life.

In each section I’ll give you practical advice on adapting rules to better meet your child’s changing needs, helping them grow into well-rounded individuals.

Let’s start with our first topic on managing technology use.

Technology Use in Children: Balanced Boundaries

We have all heard about the dangers of technology being reported in the media.

Without a doubt, many hours each day spent on electronic devices could impact a child in many ways:

• Takes away from opportunities for face to face social contact and practising friendship skills.
• Takes away from time which could be spent engaging in physical activity.
• Research studies show that the short-term “buzzes”/rewards provided by computer games and social media actually change the way the brain works. In particular, the dopamine reward system in the brain changes. This means the child increasingly seeks short-term buzzes and is less able to wait for rewards.

On the flip side, some computer games teach valuable skills.

Some apps or games allow introverted teenagers to meet and engage with others, practising their friendship skills.

Becoming an expert in a game such as Minecraft can help children build self-esteem.

Of course, a more difficult question is: “How much is enough?”.

This is where your parenting intuition comes in.

One hour a day might feel okay if your child does plenty of physical activity, and seems happy and settled. If your child does not have an active lifestyle and has sleep difficulties, one hour per day might be too much.

Routine Vs Being Spontaneous

Children feel more secure if they have a daily routine, and sleep better if they have a regular bedtime and wind down, in the same way, every night.

This even applies to teenagers! As a parent of two older teens, I can confirm this as a parent as well as a clinical psychologist with more than twenty years’ experience.

However, it can sometimes be fun to be spontaneous. Children can benefit massively from new experiences with a change of routine, such as holidays.

If a child learns to cope with the odd late night or a change of plans, they will develop a view of themselves which says “I am a strong person and I can deal with the unexpected”.

With sleep, possibly more than any other area, flexible parenting and boundaries need careful thought, as sleep heavily influences mental wellbeing.

Indoor and Outdoor Time

The majority of UK and US children spend too much time indoors.

Outdoor time gives them the chance to:

• Build skills and experience a less predictable world.
• Learn through taking risks.
• Develop more physical confidence.
• Develop their imaginations by inventing games and exploring.
• Burn off stress, and release any pent-up emotions by being loud and crazy.

Also, there is emerging evidence that we need the microscopic organisms present everywhere in the outdoor environment, to help balance our gut “flora”.

Our gut flora impacts our physical and mental health.

We evolved to spend a great deal more time on the move than we currently do, hunting and gathering.

A lack of physical activity can lead to restlessness, irritability and difficulty focusing.

Increasing Outdoor Time For Better Mood and Mental Health: case Study, Six year-Old Tommy

Tommy, age 6, spent most of his spare time watching his iPad. He would be cranky and irritable when it was time to come off, and he was increasingly relying on it to entertain himself.

Tommy’s parents realised something needed to change.

With some planning they started to go on weekly outdoor adventures like scavenger hunts, geocaching and nature trails, to spark his interest.

They also gradually reduced his screen time, replacing it with outdoor playtime, and rewarded his participation with praise and small treats.

They also invited his friends over for outdoor playdates, turning outdoor time into social events he looks forward to.

Over time, Tommy started enjoying his outdoor adventures. He began to show improved mood and better focus at school. His confidence also grew as he took on physical challenges, and his overall happiness increased with the new routine.

Demanding Activities Vs Simplicity

In the Western world, there is increasing pressure on children to be busy.

Children are facing the highest ever academic demands.

It’s also the norm for children to do clubs and activities after school. These activities can be rewarding and build skills and confidence. However, too much demand can lead to overload and poor wellbeing.

When a child’s brain is overloaded, the brain feels under threat, and triggers the “fight or flight” system, causing stress and often anxiety.

On over-active fight or flight response can also lead to exhaustion, sleep problems, irritability and aggression.

Children need time each day to experience calm and quiet.

This allows the body and brain to rest and recover. It also creates freedom and “mental space” that can stimulate a child’s imagination. If a child’s life is 100% scheduled he will have no space to develop new ideas (games, plans, stories) or use his imagination.

Embracing Flexible Parenting for a Thriving Child

Balancing flexibility with structure in parenting will positively impact your child’s development and wellbeing.

By adjusting boundaries in areas like technology use, daily routines, outdoor activities, and managing busy schedules, you create a supportive yet safe environment, that promotes resilience, confidence, and creativity.

Remember, the key is to observe, listen, and adapt to your child’s needs as they grow. This balanced approach helps them thrive in a healthy and happy way.

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Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years. In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children.

Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.

Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.

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