Good Enough Parenting: Parents in the Real World

Written by Dr Lucy Russell DClinPsyc CPsychol AFBPsS
Dr Lucy Russell Founder of They Are The Future
Author: Dr Lucy Russell

You lose your temper, forget a school form, and run out of time to support your child with their piano practise, all in one day. Guilt creeps in, whispering, “You’re not good enough.”

Here’s the thing though. Parenting isn’t about getting it all right. It’s about showing up, imperfectly but meaningfully.

“Good enough” is more than enough. Let me show you why.

a mother and son sitting together on their sofa

Good Enough Parenting

You may have heard the phrase “good enough parenting” before. It was first coined by the paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott (1896-1971).

He believed that the good enough mother made mistakes, but was able to repair and readjust following these mistakes. (Fathers did not get much of a mention in those days, unfortunately.)

So What Does Good Enough Parenting Actually Mean

Good enough parenting involves doing your best and getting it right most of the time.

Children need to have at least one good enough parent or caregiver, to be emotionally healthy and safe.

Many lucky children have multiple good enough caregivers – for example, two parents and several grandparents.

a mother and teen daughter having a serious talking at their kitchen table

If you can do the following, then you are a good enough parent

  • Identify your child’s physical and emotional needs, and do your best to meet those needs. For example, take your child to the doctor or dentist when they need to go, take them to school.
  • Spot when your child is upset, anxious or overtired, and try to respond with empathy.
  • Provide warmth and nurture to build an attachment with your child.
  • Notice when you have made a mistake and try to repair the damage. For instance: “I shouldn’t have shouted. I will go and see if he is okay and read him a story to settle him.”

Good enough parenting may involve (for example):

  • Having to put your child in front of the TV or iPad for a few hours while you get some work done, but planning to spend more quality time with them as soon as you can, to make up for it.
  • Saying no to a play date or spontaneous invite sometimes, because you feel exhausted or have too many other commitments.
  • Watching your child “fail” at something and not knowing how to handle it.

TAKE THE QUIZ!

Perfection in Parenting: Why You Should NOT Aim to Be a Perfect Parent

In a world where social media only shows us the shiny, perfect bits of people’s lives, it is tempting to think that we have to try to be the perfect parent.

But aiming for perfection is dangerous for a number of reasons.

Let me explain…

1. Perfect Parenting Has Never Existed

Firstly, there is no such thing as perfection in parenting.

Which is “perfect”? Allow your child to stay up late one day because it is a special occasion, or ensure they have a solid, consistent routine and go to bed at the same time every night?

There is, of course, no “perfect” answer.

The parent aiming for perfection may choose the second option, but this limits spontaneity and flexibility, not to mention fun.

If your child is not exposed to spontaneous events, they will have less chance to learn how to cope with these.

serious tween boy and his mother sitting at a kitchen table

2. “Perfect Parenting” Limits Your Child’s Development

Secondly, “perfection” limits opportunities for your child to build resilience.

If a child’s world is too perfect, they will not know that they can bounce back when things go wrong. They will not learn to cope with emotions like disappointment, regret and sadness.

I have worked with a number of children whose lives were “too perfect”. Please note that I do not blame their parents for this in any way, as they were doing their very best, and doing many things very well!

Anyway, these children had become anxious because they were scared of failure, sadness and disappointment. They had never really experienced these things before.

Together we worked to explore and expose them to the things they feared, in a graded and safe way.

So, to sum up, perfect parenting will not prepare your child for the real world.

a dad and daughter enjoying outdoor time together

3. “Perfect Parenting” Puts Parents’ Emotional Wellbeing at Risk

Thirdly, there is a danger that if you try to be a perfect parent, your own needs or your sense of identity will suffer.

I have seen this happen so often.

Here’s a fictional example of a “good enough” parent who strikes a balance between her children’s needs and her own:

Janette is a keen runner. She goes to a running club twice a week, as well as running three times per week when her children are at school.

Jeanette feels guilty that she can’t be around at bedtime on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and her husband has to manage both children. However, having a hobby and identity outside of family life is healthy for Janette and makes her a happier, well-rounded parent. It also sends positive messages to the children about exercising for health, and allows her children to see her as a role model.

Use The Idea of Good Enough Parenting to Guide You

The idea of good enough parenting can guide you from day to day whenever you have doubts. This has helped me massively over the years as a parent myself. It takes the pressure off!

Let’s say you snapped at your child this morning when they didn’t eat their breakfast, and they got upset. Both of you had recovered by the time he went to school. You feel guilty though.

Please be kind to yourself.

Your child has had valuable experience in learning that adults do not always “get it right” in their responses, and that you have clear boundaries.

Your child has also had important exposure to emotions such as frustration, perhaps sadness. This will help them learn to be skilled in handling them in future.

The experience may have helped your child develop empathy, realising that adults sometimes respond more strongly when something is going on in their lives such as stress or tiredness.

The mistake was recognized and things were repaired. Good enough parenting? Yes.

a middle aged woman drinking tea, sitting on the floor in her living room

Most Parents Are “Good Enough”, But If You Can’t Be A Good Enough Parent At The Moment, Please Seek Support

Most parents are good enough. Even most parents who think they are not good enough, are.

However, parenting is so difficult, and many parents struggle for many reasons that are often not their fault. For example, physical or mental health problems, or difficult life events, can make it very difficult for you to be emotionally or physically present for your child.

Some parents cannot recognize their child’s needs because they didn’t have their own needs recognized as children. Others cannot provide enough warmth and nurture to help the child feel safe. If you do not think that currently you can provide good enough parenting for your child, you must admit this and seek help.

a father and son spending time together on their sofa

How to Get Parenting Support

Do you have family members or friends who could provide you with emotional or practical support? It can be hard to ask for help but it’s absolutely the best thing for your child. Remember that most people love to help.

If you don’t have enough support from family and friends, in the UK your GP (family doctor) or health visitor will be able to help you access more support.

Your child’s teacher may also be able to point you in the direction of more support.

If you’re in the UK, my team and I can offer you support through our wonderful online membership hub, Everlief Parent Club.

If you are feel you can’t meet your child’s basic needs at the moment and you need intensive support, your GP, teacher or other professional can also make a referral to children’s social care. You can also seek directly by looking up your local children’s social care department.

Children’s social services help when a child has experienced abuse and neglect, but they can also help when parents are struggling to cope, or signpost you to other organisations who can help. You can find more details about the process here.

3 Top Tips for Good Enough Parenting

I’m going to finish by summarizing some key practical strategies to be a good enough parent.

  • Prioritize Connection Over Perfection
    Spend quality time with your child daily, even if it’s just 10 minutes of undivided attention.
  • Repair and Reconnect After Challenges
    When things go wrong or you make a mistake, take steps to rebuild your bond. Acknowledge feelings, apologize if needed, and show your child they are loved unconditionally.
  • Focus on the Basics
    Ensure your child feels safe, loved, and heard. These are the real essentials. Everything else can wait.

Related Articles

From Misunderstood to Heard: The Six Essential Listening Techniques for Deeper Parent-Child Connections

Parenting With Flex: When to Bend the Boundaries

Make Your Home a Mental Health Haven for Your Child

Natural Consequences in Parenting: Could This Approach Work For You?

Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years.

In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.

Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.

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