How to Teach Assertiveness to Children: 8 Key Characteristics & Practical Tips
Have you ever noticed how assertive people seem confident, in control, and have better relationships with others?
Learning to be assertive is an important skill for children. It helps them succeed at school, build friendships, and stay mentally healthy. It’s a vital life skill that helps children develop strong social skills and build healthy relationships.
Assertiveness means being confident when sharing your own needs, thoughts, and beliefs while still respecting others.
Quick Summary: Core Takeaways About Teaching Assertiveness to Kids
- Assertiveness means expressing one’s needs while respecting others.
- For children, this helps build self‑confidence, healthy relationships and emotional resilience.
- The 8 key characteristics of assertiveness: Self‑Confidence, Honesty, Strong Communication, Mutual Respect, Emotional Intelligence & Control, Boundary‑Setting, Self‑Respect, Handling Feedback.
- Tip: Focus on one characteristic at a time, model it yourself, and practise it with your child.
The Basic Building Blocks of Assertiveness
There are 4 main parts that make up assertiveness.
| Characteristic | Description |
|---|---|
| Respect | Getting a win-win by sharing what you need whilst respecting what others need. |
| Self-Expression | Speaking up for yourself with confidence and fairness. |
| Non-verbal Communication | Using steady eye contact, a calm voice, and relaxed body language. These signals show confidence and respect, helping others know you’re paying attention without being passive or aggressive. |
| Active Listening | Really listening and understanding, even when conversations are hard. |
Why Teaching Assertiveness To Children Matters
When children learn assertiveness, they gain self esteem and confidence. They begin to use positive, respectful communication rather than passive or aggressive behaviour. These are powerful communication skills for kids that support emotional wellbeing and connection with others.
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Examples of Assertive Behaviours in Children
- Expressing needs and standing up for yourself without being mean
- Making decisions and forming opinions based on facts
- Understanding and caring about other people’s feelings
- Listening to and respecting other people’s viewpoints
- Responding to situations while being aware of their own feelings
- Setting personal boundaries
- Knowing how to say ‘no’ politely and effectively
- Using direct eye contact to show you’re engaged in conversations
Now I’m going to take you through 8 key characteristics of assertiveness, describing how they may benefit your child.
Assertiveness in Children: Key Traits
Assertive kids have the ability to express themselves clearly while respecting others.
They create balanced, healthy relationships where both sides feel heard and valued.
1. Self-Confidence
A self-confident child believes in their abilities and feels capable in different situations.
Children who communicate passively tend to hold back their thoughts and feelings. They might avoid speaking up, often agreeing with others to avoid conflict or drawing attention to themselves.
This can lead to low self-esteem and social anxiety because they don’t feel heard or valued.
Simple confidence building activities like role-playing tricky situations help children find their voice. Modelling positive behaviour also makes a difference. When you show respect, calmness and self-control, your child learns to do the same.
Example: Arthur’s close friend is being bullied within their friendship circle. Instead of staying quiet, he imagines how his friend feels and uses assertiveness skills to help him by speaking to a teacher.
2. Honesty
Assertive children and teens understand how important it is to be truthful while also being kind and respectful.
This means they share their thoughts and feelings openly without intentionally hurting others.
Honesty, combined with respect, is an essential part of assertiveness because it helps build trust in relationships.
In the example below, you’ll also notice other important parts of assertiveness, like active listening and clear communication, working together with honesty to create positive interactions.
Example: Millie is upset because her friend took her phone without asking. Her assertive and honest response is: “I know you forgot your own phone, but I don’t like it when my things are taken without permission. Next time, please ask me first.”
3. Strong Communication Skills
A clear and assertive communication style helps a child express their thoughts and feelings clearly.
It’s easy for misunderstandings to grow quickly, leading to hurt feelings and other problems in relationships. One of the most important parts of assertiveness is being able to communicate clearly.
When children do this, they get two benefits. They’re more likely to be heard and understood, and they’re better prepared to handle difficult situations calmly.
4. Understanding & Showing Mutual Respect
As children grow, we want them to build happy and healthy relationships with family, friends, teachers, coaches, and peers.
Assertiveness plays a big role in this process. It not only helps children stand up for themselves but also teaches them to show respect for other people’s thoughts and feelings.
When children learn to balance assertiveness with respect, mutual respect becomes possible. This leads to stronger relationships and more positive outcomes for everyone involved.
Example: In art class, Sarah listens to her friend’s suggestion to add more soft textures to their shared collage. Molly, in turn, appreciates Sarah’s idea to make the design more balanced, which helps them both create a beautiful result through mutual respect.
5. Strong Emotional Intelligence & Control
Assertive children who can tune into their own emotions and those of others’ can develop a greater awareness in the value of empathy.
Empathy allows them to acknowledge other people’s feelings while expressing their own in a healthy way. It takes lots of practice, but it’s incredibly useful in all social situations.
You can help your child by reading books or watching TV shows together that feature characters experiencing different emotions. Talk about what you see and hear, helping your child understand how helpful positive interactions are.
Additionally, discuss how they can avoid aggressive responses and passive-aggressive behaviour.
6. Sets Boundaries
Setting & respecting boundaries is a key life skill your child will need to learn.
This will help protect your child from some of the negatives of peer pressure and manipulation from people who don’t consider their needs.
By setting their own personal boundaries they will support good mental health.
Example: Sophie is a 13-year-old who loves playing football and is a key player on her school team. Recently, her coach asked her to join an extra weekend training squad, but Sophie is also preparing for important exams. She’s starting to feel overwhelmed by everything she needs to do.
Using her assertiveness skills, Sophie talks to her coach and says, “I really enjoy football, and I don’t want to let the team down, but I’m also preparing for my exams. To keep up with my schoolwork, I can only attend weekday practices for now.”
7. Self-Respect
Self-respect is important because it helps children stand up for themselves and share their opinions confidently.
Self-respect helps when dealing with criticism. An assertive child can handle feedback without feeling attacked.
For example, if someone suggests how they can improve, they might respond, “I understand, and I’ll work on that.” This shows they can accept criticism without letting it hurt their confidence.
However, if a child isn’t assertive, they might react differently. They could get defensive, feel hurt, or even argue back by saying things like, “You’re wrong!” or “That’s unfair!”
These reactions can cause more problems and make things worse.
By having self-respect and being assertive, children can handle criticism calmly, protect their confidence, and avoid unnecessary arguments.
As a parent, you can be a role model by showing self-respect, staying calm when getting feedback, and standing up for yourself. It’s not easy, but it will pay off for you and your child!
8. Handling Feedback
When we teach children how to handle feedback in a curious and assertive way, they have a better chance of handling it without feeling like it’s a personal attack.
First, feedback and criticism can help them improve and grow by showing them where they’re doing well and where and how they can get better. Second, it teaches resilience, which is so important for good mental health and emotional development.
Challenges for Non-Assertive People
Children who haven’t yet learned these assertiveness skills may find it difficult to express themselves or communicate their needs effectively.
They may struggle with negative feelings and lower self-esteem. So take action now, and in a few months you will notice these assertiveness skills starting to show in your child.
Pick one of the 8 characteristics above and work on it gradually with your child, coaching them and acting as a role model. Don’t try to do everything at once.
Assertiveness is a Skill for Life
Teaching your child the skills involved in assertiveness will benefit them now and in the future in their adult lives.
You’ll be helping your child become a well-rounded person who can shape their life in the way they want and have happy relationships with others.
Good luck!
Commonly Asked Questions
What does assertiveness mean for kids, in a nutshell?
Being assertive means kids can say what they think or feel in a clear and respectful way. It also means they listen to others without being mean or too quiet.
Why is it important to teach kids to be assertive?
Assertiveness helps kids make friends, speak up for themselves, do better in school, and avoid acting bossy or being pushed around.
At what age can kids start learning to be assertive?
Most kids can start learning assertiveness in primary school. They get better at it as they grow and watch adults show how to do it.
How can parents help their kids be more assertive?
Parents can help by setting a good example, practising with real-life situations (like saying “no” politely), encouraging open talks, and helping kids handle feedback without getting upset.
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Hayley Vaughan-Smith is a Person-Centred Counsellor accredited by the National Counselling & Psychotherapy Society. She is the founder and counsellor at The Ridge Practice in Buckinghamshire, and counsellor at Everlief Child Psychology.
Hayley has a special interest in bereavement counselling and worked as a bereavement volunteer with Cruse Bereavement Care for four years.
Hayley is mum to 3 grown up girls, and gardening and walking in nature is her own personal therapy. Hayley believes being in nature, whatever the weather, is incredibly beneficial for mental health well-being.
