8 Characteristics of Assertiveness and How They Help Our Children
Have you ever wondered why assertive personalities appear to have confidence, be in control, have better relationships and the respect of other people?
Assertive communication skills are vital for children to learn.
Assertiveness is characterised by confidence in expressing your own needs, thoughts and beliefs whilst maintaining respect for others.
It will benefit a child’s social and academic development and support good mental health too.
The Basic Pillars of Assertiveness
There are 4 pillars which encompass characteristics of assertiveness.
| Characteristic | Description |
|---|---|
| Respect | Achieving a win-win by communicating one’s needs while respecting the other person’s needs. |
| Self-Expression | Confidently expressing oneself with fairness and balance. |
| Non-verbal Communication | Assertive nonverbal communication includes making steady eye contact, using a calm tone of voice, and maintaining open, relaxed body language. These signals show confidence and respect, helping others understand you’re engaged without being passive or aggressive. |
| Active Listening | Actively listening and understanding, even during difficult conversations. |
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Examples of Assertive Behaviours in Children
- Expressing needs & standing up for yourself in a non-aggressive style
- Making decisions & forming views based on facts
- Being empathetic towards other people
- Listening to & respecting other’s points of view
- Responding to situations with an awareness of their own emotional well-being
- Setting personal boundaries
- Knowing how to effectively & politely say ‘no’
- Using direct eye contact to confirm engagement in conversations.
Now I’m going to take you through 8 key characteristics of assertiveness, describing how they may benefit your child.
Assertiveness in Children: Characteristics
Assertive kids have the ability to express themselves clearly while respecting others.
They create balanced, healthy relationships where both sides feel heard and valued.
1. Self-Confidence
A self-confident child trusts in their abilities and feels capable in various situations.
Children with a passive communication style tend to hold back their thoughts and feelings.
They may avoid speaking up, often agreeing with others to avoid conflict or drawing attention to themselves.
This can lead to low self-esteem and social anxiety, as they don’t feel heard or valued.
However, with coaching and support from you and their teachers, children can build this self-confidence, helping them speak up, share their thoughts, and engage without fear of being judged.
Example: Arthur’s close friend is being bullied within their friendship circle. Instead of remaining passive, he can imagine how his friend feels and uses assertiveness skills to support him by speaking up to a teacher.
2. Honesty
Assertive children and teens understand the importance of being truthful while also being kind and respectful.
This means they express their thoughts and feelings openly, without intentionally hurting others.
Honesty, when combined with respect, is a key trait of assertiveness, as it helps build trust in relationships.
In the example below, you’ll also notice other important aspects of assertiveness, such as active listening and clear communication, working together with honesty to create positive interactions.
Example: Millie is upset because her friend took her phone without asking. Her assertive and honest response is: “I know you’ve forgotten your own phone, but I don’t like it when my things are taken without permission. Next time, please ask me first.”
3. Strong Communication Skills
A clear and assertive communication style can help a child to express their thoughts and feelings clearly.
It’s easy for misunderstandings to escalate quickly, leading to resentment and other difficulties in relationships. One of the most important characteristics of assertiveness is being able to communicate clearly.
When children do this, the benefits are two-fold. They are more likely to be heard and understood and they are better equipped to deal with difficult situations calmly.
4. Understanding & Demonstrating Mutual Respect
As children grow, we want them to develop happy and healthy relationships with family, peers, teachers, coaches, and close friends.
Assertiveness plays a key role in this process. It not only helps children stand up for themselves but also teaches them to show respect for others’ thoughts and feelings.
When children learn to balance assertiveness with respect, mutual respect becomes possible, leading to stronger relationships and more positive outcomes for everyone involved.
Example: In art, Sarah listens to her friend’s suggestion to add more soft textures to their collaborative collage. Molly, in turn, appreciates Sarah’s idea to make the design more balanced which helps them both create a beautiful result through mutual respect.
5. Strong Emotional Intelligence & Control
Assertive children who can tune into their own emotions and those of others’ can develop a greater awareness in the value of empathy.
Empathy allows them to offer validation to the feelings of others while expressing their own in a healthy manner. It can take lots of practice, but it’s incredibly useful in all social contexts.
You could help your child by reading books or watching television programmes together, ones that showcase characters different emotions. Talk about what you see & hear, helping your child to understand how beneficial positive interactions are.
Additionally, discuss how they can avoid aggressive responses and those that are in a passive-aggressive manner.
6. Sets Boundaries
Setting & respecting boundaries is a key life skill your child will need to learn.
This will help protect your child from some of the negatives of peer pressure and manipulation from people who don’t consider their needs.
By setting their own personal boundaries they will support good mental health.
Example: Sophie is a 13-year-old who loves playing football and is a key player on her school team. Recently, her coach asked her to join an additional weekend training squad, but Sophie is also preparing for important exams. She’s starting to feel overwhelmed by the demands on her time.
Using her assertiveness skills, Sophie talks to her coach and says, “I really enjoy football, and I don’t want to let the team down, but I’m also preparing for my exams. To keep up with my schoolwork, I can only attend weekday practices for now.”
7. Self-Respect
Self-respect is important because it helps children stand up for themselves and share their opinions confidently.
Self-respect helps when dealing with criticism. An assertive child can handle feedback without feeling attacked.
For example, if someone suggests how they can improve, they might respond, “I understand, and I’ll work on that.” This shows they can take criticism without letting it hurt their confidence.
However, if a child isn’t assertive, they might react differently. They could get defensive, feel hurt, or even argue back by saying things like, “You’re wrong!” or “That’s unfair!”
These reactions can cause more problems and make things worse.
By having self-respect and being assertive, children can manage criticism calmly, protect their confidence, and avoid unnecessary arguments.
As a parent you can be a role model by showing self-respect, staying calm when getting feedback, and standing up for yourself. It’s not easy, but it will pay off for you and your child!
8. Handling Feedback
When we teach children how to handle feedback in an inquisitive and assertive way, they have a better chance of handling it without feeling like it’s a personal attack.
Firstly, feedback & criticism can help them to improve and grow by showing them where they are doing well and where and how they can make improvements. Secondly, it teaches resilience which is so important for good mental health and emotional development.
Challenges for Non-Assertive People
Children who haven’t yet learned these assertiveness skills may find it difficult to express themselves or communicate their needs effectively.
They may find they then struggle with negative feelings and lower self-esteem. So take action now, and in a few months you will notice these assertiveness skills starting to show in your child.
Pick one of the 8 characteristics above and work on it gradually with your child, coaching them and acting as a role model. Don’t try to do everything at once.
Assertiveness is a Skill for Life
Teaching your child the skills involved in assertiveness will benefit them now and in the future in their future adult lives.
You’ll be helping your child in becoming a well-rounded human being & confident person who can shape their lives in the way they want, and have happy relationships with others.
Good luck!
Related Articles
The 3 Pillars of High Self-Esteem in Children
7 Powerful Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Compare Your Child to Others
Best Activities For A Shy Child: Have Fun, Grow Confidence
Hayley Vaughan-Smith is a Person-Centred Counsellor accredited by the National Counselling & Psychotherapy Society. She is the founder and counsellor at The Ridge Practice in Buckinghamshire, and counsellor at Everlief Child Psychology.
Hayley has a special interest in bereavement counselling and worked as a bereavement volunteer with Cruse Bereavement Care for four years.
Hayley is mum to 3 grown up girls, and gardening and walking in nature is her own personal therapy. Hayley believes being in nature, whatever the weather, is incredibly beneficial for mental health well-being.
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