5 Year Old Hitting: A Child Psychologist’s Guide for Parents
If your five year old’s hitting behaviour is worrying you, you are dealing with something that many parents face but few talk about openly. It can feel shocking, exhausting, and even feel a little shameful, particularly if it is happening in public or directed at you.
The good news is that 5 year old hitting is very common and, with the right approach, very manageable. In this article I will walk you through why it happens, what to do in the moment, how to reduce it over time, and when to seek professional support.
Why Does a 5 Year Old Hit?
Children of this age are in a fast-track developmental phase. Their brains are still highly underdeveloped, with limited connections between the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) and the emotional centre. Psychologists sometimes refer to these as the “upstairs brain” and the “downstairs brain.”
This is a matter of brain development and executive function – the set of mental skills that allow us to plan, control impulses, and manage our responses. At five, executive function is still in its very early stages.
Because of this, young children have almost no capacity for emotional regulation or impulse control. When a big feeling arrives, they have no reliable way to manage it. They rely on you, their parent, to help regulate those feelings alongside them, a process known as co-regulation.
Neuroscientists (brain scientists) use the term “body budget” to describe how the brain manages a child’s internal resources: energy, stress, and emotional load.
When a child’s body budget is depleted by hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, or anxiety, the nervous system tips into crisis mode far more easily. The stress hormone cortisol floods the body. The thinking brain goes offline, and physical aggression becomes much more likely.
A 5 year old hitting, kicking and slapping is often a child whose words have run out. They do not yet have the language for all the emotions and situations they face. Hitting can be an expression of frustration, overwhelm, or an unmet need, not a sign of bad character or bad parenting.
Other reasons for 5 year old hitting and aggressive behaviour include:
- Copied behaviour from someone else they have observed hitting out
- Rough play that has tipped over into genuine aggression, particularly in boys
- Learning that hitting gets them what they want
- Anxiety or fear triggering a fight response
- Chaotic family life or a lack of routine
- The pressures of starting school and primary school life, which place significant new demands on children’s self-regulation and social skills
- Harsh or inconsistent responses from adults
- Overstimulation or exhaustion
- Too much screen time, which can heighten emotional dysregulation in young children
- Perceived self-defence
- Speech delay making communication difficult
- Trauma
- Being neurodivergent. Children with ADHD or autism often have a lower threshold for dysregulation, which can make physical aggression more likely
A note on testosterone: research suggests that even at this young age, boys tend to show higher rates of physical aggression than girls, partly linked to testosterone levels. This does not make hitting acceptable, but it is worth knowing that if you have a boy who hits, you are not alone and it is not unusual.
Could anxiety be a cause?
Anxiety in young children can look very much like anger. When the fight or flight response is triggered, a spike of adrenaline floods the nervous system.
The “fight” part of that response can lead directly to physical aggression. At that point, your child has lost control. Their brain has entered survival mode and they will not respond to reason or logic until they feel safe again.
Read our article When Your Anxious Child Looks Like an Angry Child if you think anxiety may be a factor for your child.
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Developing a Clear Strategy for 5 Year Old Hitting
If your child is hitting family members regularly, the first priority is to establish a consistent, agreed strategy. This means you and your partner, or any other significant adults in your child’s life, responding in the same way every time.
Consistency matters because children this age are pattern-learners. Mixed messages, even well-intentioned ones, can slow progress significantly.
Having a clear strategy also helps you feel less reactive and more in control when an incident happens. Rather than thinking on your feet in a stressful moment, you are following a plan. Building these parenting skills takes time, but the investment pays off quickly.
One of the most important principles to keep in mind is connection before correction. Before you address the behaviour, your child needs to feel that you are on their side. A child who feels attacked or shamed will not be receptive to learning. A child who feels safe and understood will.
The containment approach
The most effective in-the-moment strategy for 5 year olds hitting parents is what psychologists call containment. This means remaining calm and composed while setting a clear limit on the behaviour.
Try to acknowledge your child’s emotion while holding the boundary. Something like “I can see you are really angry, but hitting hurts and I am not going to let that happen”. This shows both empathy and support alongside firmness.
Big feelings are genuinely overwhelming and frightening for children this age, and knowing that a calm adult is in charge helps them settle more quickly.
You may well be feeling angry or upset yourself, and that is completely understandable. But your calm is the most powerful tool you have in that moment.
Example: Janette’s action plan for managing Charlie’s hitting
- Once Charlie has calmed down, get him home or to a quiet place as soon as possible
- Try to distract Charlie if his emotions start to escalate
- If that does not work, get to a quiet place if possible
- Get down to Charlie’s level and speak in a calm, soothing voice
- Explain that I am there to help, without giving in to his demands
- Give Charlie his blanket to help him calm. If it is not available, massage his hands gently
- However loud he gets, keep talking to him in a soft voice
- Once he starts to calm, focus on slow balloon breathing and ask him to copy
5 Year Old Hitting Parents: What to Do In the Moment
It is important to address 5 year old hitting immediately and clearly, without escalating the situation. Here are five steps to follow when your child hits you.
First, step in immediately and get down to their level, making eye contact.
Second, gently hold their hands and say something short and clear: “We do not hit,” or “Hitting hurts, you must stop.” Do not enter into a lengthy explanation at this stage.
Third, let them know you understand they are angry and that they can tell you about it once they have calmed down. Resist the urge to say “use your words” in the heat of the moment. When the thinking brain is offline, language is not accessible to your child. Save that conversation for when they are calm.
Fourth, encourage slow, deep breaths. Ask them to imagine their tummy is a balloon, breathing in to fill it and slowly letting the air out. This increases oxygen to the brain. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the body’s natural calming response.
Offer some gentle physical movement too if you can. Perhaps a short walk or some jumping. This can help burn off the stress hormones and bring your child back to a calm body more quickly. Do it alongside them.
Keep your tone of voice gentle and calm throughout.
Should I Use Time Out for a 5 Year Old Hitting?
This is one of the most common questions I hear from parents, and the short answer is: no, I do not recommend time out.
Time-out involves separating a child from the adult at the exact moment they most need co-regulation. For a five year old in the grip of big feelings, being sent away does not teach them anything, it simply leaves them alone with emotions they cannot manage.
Without a calm adult present, the nervous system cannot settle, the cortisol levels do not drop, and no learning takes place.
What they need in that moment is the opposite of separation. They need both a firm boundary and warm, attuned presence. You are saying clearly that the hitting is not acceptable, while staying physically close and emotionally available. This is what co-regulation looks like, and it is far more effective than isolation.
Once your child has fully calmed down, that is the right moment to talk about what happened, how the other person felt, and what they might do differently next time. This is also the moment to introduce making amends: a simple, age-appropriate way of helping your child take responsibility and rebuild connection.
This might be a hug, drawing a picture for someone they have hurt, or simply saying sorry in their own words when they are ready.
How to Handle Your 5 Year Old Hitting in Public
Public hitting is one of the highest-anxiety scenarios for parents, and it deserves specific attention. The combination of your child’s distress and the perceived judgment of strangers can make it extremely hard to stay calm and respond well.
The most important thing to know is that the strategy does not change. Your child still needs containment, calm, and co-regulation, regardless of who is watching. What does change is the added pressure on you, and that is worth preparing for in advance.
If your child hits in a public place, try to move to a quieter spot if you can. Get down to their level. Keep your voice low and steady. The instinct to respond quickly and sharply in order to manage the social situation is understandable, but a sharp or raised response is likely to escalate your child rather than resolving anything.
The shame you may feel in these moments is real, but it is worth remembering that most people watching are not judging you as harshly as you imagine. Many will have been in exactly the same position. Your job is not to perform “good parenting” for an audience, it’s to help your child regulate, which takes the time it takes.
One practical tip: if your child has a known pattern of hitting in certain environments, such as busy shops, parties, or long outings, build in an exit plan before you go. Agreeing with yourself in advance that you will leave after a set time, or as soon as early signs of dysregulation appear, removes the pressure of making that call in the moment.
How to Prevent 5 Year Old Hitting Next Time
Understanding the triggers for your 5 year old hitting when angry is the most important step in prevention next time.
Ask yourself whether the hitting tends to happen when your child is frustrated, excited, or anxious. Think about whether certain environments, people, or transitions make it more likely. Consider whether overstimulation, tiredness, or difficulty sharing are recurring factors.
The answers to these questions will allow you to build a prevention plan around your specific child. If overstimulation is a pattern, for example, you might plan shorter visits to busy environments or build in quiet recovery time after stimulating activities.
Some of the most effective prevention strategies for 5 year olds hitting parents include the following:
- Stay alert to signs that emotions are building and try to intervene before they reach a peak.
- Have clear, consistent limits and boundaries in place and make sure your child understands them.
- Use an anger thermometer to help your child identify how they are feeling at different stages and what helps them calm at each level.
- Label and praise the moments when your child manages their feelings well, however small. Avoid power struggles where possible, as these can rapidly escalate.
- Build your child’s problem-solving skills by talking through tricky situations together when things are calm. Asking “what could you do next time?” plants seeds that gradually replace the impulse to hit.
- Support your child in developing their communication and social skills, since many children hit because they lack the words.
Physical movement throughout the day also plays a significant role in prevention. Children who have regular opportunities to run, climb, and use their bodies are better able to maintain a calm body during emotionally demanding moments.
If your child tends to hit after school, consider whether a physical outlet before homework or dinner might help.
Five Year Old Hitting: Case Study – Robbie
Five year old Robbie lives with his mum, dad, and younger brother Richard. A few weeks ago, Robbie hit his mum hard when she was asking him to get his shoes on for school. It was unexpected. She told him off and made him apologise.
Since then, Robbie’s behaviour has become more regularly aggressive. Mum sometimes raises her voice and occasionally falls into the trap of saying “because I said so,” especially when time is short. She has managed to shield Richard from witnessing the hitting until recently, when Robbie hit her repeatedly after his screen time was stopped.
That incident prompted Mum to think seriously about what was causing Robbie’s behaviour.
Mum and Dad decided to work together on a consistent, supportive approach. They agreed on a clear strategy for responding when Robbie hit out, including the language they would use, consistent messages, and age-appropriate consequences. They thought carefully about how to talk with Robbie about the hitting, settling on an informal chat during a game rather than a formal sit-down. This was connection before correction in action getting alongside Robbie before addressing the behaviour.
Through that conversation, they discovered that Robbie loves school but worries about what Mum and Richard are doing at home without him. He imagines them going to the park and soft play and feels left out, but did not have the words to say so. He also becomes angry when he cannot manage tasks like his shoelaces, or when screen time ends.
Listening to Robbie made a significant difference. Mum and Dad now understand his triggers far better. They have told him he can always come to them, and they have begun teaching him other ways to express his big feelings. They also introduced a simple making amends ritual. After a hitting incident, once Robbie was calm, he would give Mum a hug and they would agree on one kind thing he could do for her. This helped Robbie begin to take responsibility without shame.
F5 Year Olds Hitting Parents: What to Avoid
When a 5 year old hitting parents is happening regularly, it is just as important to know what not to do as what to do.
Getting angry or shouting is likely to escalate rather than resolve the situation. Resist the urge to punish in the moment; consequences are better discussed calmly once your child has regulated.
Physical punishment is never recommended and can damage the trust between you. Never hit your child back. And as discussed above, avoid time out. Your child needs your calm presence, not separation.
Positive reinforcement and praising good behaviour are two of the most powerful tools you have for teaching your child social and emotional skills.
5 Year Old Hitting at School: A Parent Guide
5 year old hitting in the school setting brings its own particular challenges. You may feel guilt, embarrassment, or helplessness.
Try to set those feelings aside as much as you can. Children develop at different rates, and hitting at this age reflects a developmental and emotional gap, not a failure on your part or your child’s.
The transition to primary school is significant. Starting school places new demands on self-regulation, emotional regulation, and social skills – all at the same time. It is not surprising that some children struggle.
Here is what is likely to help:
- Open a conversation with your child’s teacher and share what you know about your child’s triggers and what helps at home.
- Work with the school to develop a consistent approach so that your child receives the same messages in both environments.
- Ask whether an action plan can be put in place for when hitting occurs, covering the language staff will use and how incidents will be managed.
- Schedule regular catch-ups with the teacher to review progress and adjust the approach as needed.
- Where available, involve school support staff or a SENCO in building a broader plan.
- If your child is neurodivergent or has a suspected developmental difference, ask about what additional support the school can provide and whether an EHCP assessment might be appropriate.
- Teach your child non-aggressive ways of expressing feelings at home, through words, drawing, or physical movement, so they have strategies to draw on at school too.
- Role-playing challenging situations at home can also help your child practise calmer responses before they are needed in real life.
5 Year Old Aggression: When to Seek Professional Help
If you are wondering about your 5 year old’s aggression and when to worry, the key indicator is how often it happens. A child who hits occasionally during a difficult period is different from a child whose aggressive behaviour is frequent, intense, and not improving over time despite consistent strategies.
If your child has been hitting regularly for several weeks or months, is hitting in multiple settings, or if the behaviour is affecting their relationships at home or school, it is time to seek support.
Start by speaking to their teacher about what they are observing. Then make an appointment with your GP and describe the behaviour, its frequency, and its impact. Your GP may refer your child to a paediatrician or child psychologist for assessment.
Underlying factors that can contribute to persistent 5 year old hitting and physical aggression include ADHD, ASD, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), developmental delays, and speech and language difficulties. An assessment will help to identify whether any of these are a factor and what support would be most helpful.
Children who are neurodivergent often need specific strategies that go beyond standard parenting approaches, and early identification makes a significant difference.
It can also be worth speaking to other parents and seeking peer support through parenting forums or local parenting courses to help you feel less alone in building your parenting skills.
A Final Word
Your 5 year old is still a very young child who is learning to manage emotions that would challenge many adults. Progress takes time, consistency, and patience. Tweak your approach as you learn what works for your specific child, and try not to measure success by individual incidents.
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology. She qualified as a clinical psychologist from Oxford University in 2005 and worked in the National Health Service for many years before moving fully into her leadership and writing roles.
In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy lives with her family, rescue cats and dog, and also fosters cats through a local animal welfare charity. She loves singing in a vocal harmony group and spending time in nature.
