Sibling Rivalry: Why Siblings Fight and How to Help
I thought sibling rivalry wouldn’t be an issue with my children, as they are three and a half years apart, and different genders.
I couldn’t have been more wrong!
If bickering and fighting between your children are wearing you down and impacting everyday family life, read on for some tips.
Key Takeaways
- Some sibling rivalry, including occasional bickering and disagreements, is normal. Repeated abuse, intimidation or fights that leave a child hurt are more serious and may need professional support.
- Insecurity, personality differences, family stress, age gaps and the home environment can all affect how often siblings clash.
- Sibling rivalry can give children a chance to practise communication, problem-solving and conflict resolution, as well as healthy competition.
- Encourage co-operation, plan individual time with each child and help them value their different roles in the family.
What is Normal Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry involving disagreements, resentment, envy, verbal arguments and occasional physical aggression is normal.
One reason is that, as we evolved, siblings had to compete to survive. When food was scarce, you’d want to be the sibling who got your parents’ attention and access to food and other resources. It’s human nature.
That said, regular verbal abuse can affect a child’s wellbeing and mental health. Repeated, targeted harm may be sibling abuse rather than typical rivalry, and the children may need professional help.
How Do Family Dynamics Affect Sibling Rivalry?
Family dynamics can massively impact the level of rivalry because they affect how secure and valued your child feels. Factors include:
- How much time a parent has at home to devote to the children, and whether they feel they’re competing for parental attention. For example, a parent may work long hours or care for a relative outside the home.
- How emotionally available the adults are. Even well-meaning parenting styles can sometimes encourage competition without anyone intending it.
- The adult-to-child ratio. For example, if there are two children, two parents and grandma living at home, the children may not feel as much need to compete.
- The physical space at home. Is your home cramped? Does each person have a safe place they can retreat to when they need space? Do they share a room? A lack of space or wider family conflict can contribute to irritability and sibling fights.
- How clear the family roles are. Is one child clearly viewed as the baby of the family, and another as the big brother or big sister and role model? Or perhaps your second child is competing for the same role as your oldest, such as “the intellectual child” or “the arty child”.
Have you noticed that rivalry intensifies between your children when you’re with them? At least, it does in our family. My children get along much better when my husband and I aren’t around, as they’re not competing for our attention.
Personality also comes into the equation.
My children are both rather driven and competitive, which makes rivalry almost inevitable, even though I don’t encourage it.
If you have laid-back children, you may be lucky enough to have less intense sibling rivalry!
What are the Signs of Sibling Rivalry?
Typical sibling rivalry has tell-tale signs, while more extreme rivalry may be harder to recognise.
Signs of typical sibling rivalry:
- One-upmanship. For example, the younger sibling passes their Grade 1 piano exam with merit. The older sibling reminds everyone: “I got a distinction at Grade 2.”
- Bickering. Occasional small arguments over trivial things are common, but repeated intimidation is more concerning.
- Indifference. For instance, older children may show little support when their sibling is facing a big event in their life.
More serious sibling rivalry can involve sibling abuse or behaviour problems and may require professional help.
Signs of more extreme sibling rivalry include:
- A clear lack of empathy, such as constant verbal abuse from one sibling towards another.
- Physical aggression, including fights that leave one or both siblings hurt.
- One sibling showing strong dominance over the other, for example, treating them like a servant.
What Causes Siblings to Not Get Along?
The root cause of sibling fighting is insecurity. At home, children need to feel safe and secure.
You can read more about this in my article: The Importance Of Attachment In Children.
Sometimes children feel that the mere presence of a sibling threatens that security. They may subconsciously worry that it increases their risk of parental rejection.
To some extent, these fears are realistic. For example, a new baby may mean less parental attention for older children.
If your child feels insecure, it isn’t your fault, though. A new baby naturally changes how much attention older children receive. Insecurity can also arise at different developmental stages, and it is very common in the teen years. You can read more about this in my article: A Feeling Of Insecurity And Anxiety In A Teenager: 9 Parent Tips.
Why Do Some Siblings Fight So Much?
Sibling rivalry can stem from a complex combination of factors, including:
- Personalities, which may be very similar or incompatible.
- Family environment, such as whether there’s enough space for siblings to spend time apart.
- Parental approach, including whether praise for good grades unintentionally encourages competition.
- The level of stress within the family.
- Age differences and birth order, which can shape expectations. A younger sibling may try to keep up with an older sibling.
Children who are still developing communication skills may also find disagreements harder to handle.
Is Sibling Rivalry Sometimes a Good Thing?
Sibling rivalry can offer positive opportunities for your children:
- Competition can be healthy. It can encourage children to set high goals for themselves and become high achievers.
- Your children get to practise important social skills in a safe environment. With your guidance, they can learn social rules such as taking turns, listening to each other and respecting personal boundaries. They can build emotional intelligence by recognising feelings and problem-solving skills by working through disagreements. They can practise conflict resolution and conflict management when personality clashes arise. These skills can support peer relationships and prepare them for adult life.
How Can You Stop Sibling Fighting in the Moment?
When an argument escalates, focus first on helping everyone feel safe and calm. If someone is being hurt or threatened, step in immediately and help your children move apart. Keep your voice steady and your words simple: “I won’t let you hurt each other. We’re taking a break.”
Once everyone is calm, listen to each child’s account without jumping to conclusions. Help them name the problem and agree on a practical next step, such as taking turns or asking before borrowing something. For ordinary disagreements, you can guide this conversation without solving everything yourself. Younger children will usually need more help. This approach reflects the American Academy of Pediatrics guidance on sibling conflict.
If one child is repeatedly frightened or targeted, treat this as a safety concern and seek professional support.
How Should You Deal With Sibling Rivalry?
There are three effective techniques to manage and resolve these challenges:
- Reward Co-operation
- Plan Parent-Child Time (1-1)
- Give Them Different Roles
Reward Co-operation
Just because sibling rivalry is normal, it doesn’t mean we can’t teach and reward co-operation.
This is positive reinforcement: we encourage, label and reward the behaviour we want to see.
The more practice children get working together, the better they can develop their communication skills and practise conflict resolution.
For example, you could ask your children to co-operate towards a goal, such as wrapping a birthday present for a family member.
They may need a little guidance at first, especially if they have less experience co-operating positively. You could say, “Tom, you cut the wrapping paper and wrap it round, and Adam, you are in charge of the sellotape.”
If they achieve the goal by working together, tell them how proud you are, even if it’s a small task you feel they should easily manage.
Make sure you label what they’ve done to increase their awareness. Be specific about the social rules they’ve put into practice, such as asking before borrowing something or waiting patiently for their turn.
For instance, you could say: “That’s brilliant, you managed to co-operate by sticking to your roles and being patient with each other.”
Plan family activities that require co-operation.
Baking, board games, geocaching (a favourite of ours!)… the possibilities are endless.
When disagreements arise, guide your children in calm conflict management.
Different Roles
Finally, rivalry only happens when siblings feel they are rivals.
You can change this by adapting how they see themselves in relation to their siblings. Regularly talk to your child about their unique role.
It helps children’s self-esteem when they can teach others unique skills. It’s a “double win” because it can shift the relationship from rivalry to teacher and student. For example:
“Tom, as the eldest your brother looks up to you and he wants you to teach him how to do things. He especially loves it when you cook with him.”
When Siblings Have Different Needs
If one or both of your children are autistic, have ADHD or have other additional needs, rivalry can feel more intense. One child may need more of your time or different rules, and their sibling may see this difference in parental treatment as unfair.
Explain that fair doesn’t always mean the same: each child gets what they need. Protect one-to-one time for the sibling who needs less support, as they can easily feel overlooked. Quiet spaces and predictable routines can also reduce clashes caused by sensory overload or impulsivity. You can read more in my article on parenting siblings with different needs.
Can Childhood Sibling Rivalry Affect Adult Relationships?
Childhood rivalry does not automatically mean your children will have a difficult relationship as adults. Sibling relationships can change over time, and learning to listen, respect boundaries and work through disagreements gives children useful practice in building relationships. HealthyChildren.org explains these benefits.
However, repeated aggression or abuse can have more lasting consequences. Research links harmful childhood sibling experiences with poorer sibling relationships in adulthood. This is different from occasional bickering, and it is one reason persistent harm should never be dismissed as “just sibling rivalry”.
Your children don’t have to agree on everything. The aim is to help each child feel safe, respected and able to have their own voice in family relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, some disagreements, resentment and bickering are common between siblings. But repeated intimidation or physical aggression that leaves a child hurt or significantly increases family stress are more concerning.
Sibling conflict can be linked to insecurity, personality differences, family stress, limited space, age gaps and birth order. Children may also worry that a sibling means less attention from their parents.
Encourage and praise co-operation, make time to spend individually with each child and help them appreciate their different roles in the family. Calmly guide them through disagreements so they can practise resolving conflict.
Seek professional support if one or both children are regularly getting hurt, you fear someone could be seriously injured, or there is repeated verbal abuse or intimidation. These may be signs of sibling abuse rather than typical rivalry.
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology. She qualified as a clinical psychologist from Oxford University in 2005 and worked in the National Health Service for many years before moving fully into her leadership and writing roles.
In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy lives with her family, rescue cats and dog, and also fosters cats through a local animal welfare charity. She loves singing in a vocal harmony group and spending time in nature.
