Parenting Siblings With Different Needs: How to Be Fair When Fair Isn’t Equal
If one of your children needs more of you than the other, and different rules to go with it, you have probably asked yourself whether that is fair. In this article I’ll talk you through parenting siblings with different needs from a child psychologist’s point of view, and we’ll think about practical considerations.
The short answer: Siblings with different needs
Parenting siblings with different needs means accepting that fair isn’t equal: fairness is each child getting what they need, which will look different for each of them.
Different rules for different children are not a parenting failure. They are a sign you are parenting attentively and thoughtfully. What makes it work is a strong individual relationship with each child, honest talking about differences between your children, and protected one-to-one time that never depends on their behaviour.
Why the same parenting lands so differently
Of course, children in the same family differ by age, temperament, position in the family and, often, neurodivergence. Two children can even differ in their developmental age: a child who is ten by the calendar may respond to stress like a much younger child, and needs parenting to meet them where they’re at.
In other words, the same instruction, delivered by the same parent, can be easy for one child and overwhelming for the other. Every child has their own window of tolerance, which simply means the zone where they feel regulated enough to cope with life’s demands, and some children have a much narrower window than their brother or sister.
Think about how schools support children. A good school knows that different children need different things to do their best. One child might need extra help with reading, while another needs more challenge in maths. We accept that this is fair because each child gets what they need. The same is true at home. Treating siblings exactly the same is not always fair when their needs are different.
Give yourself permission
Many parents carry heavy family guilt about doing things differently for each child, especially around a neurodivergent sibling whose needs shape the whole family’s plans.
The turning point in the families we work with at Everlief Child Psychology is usually permission: it is okay to parent each child differently, and it is okay not to do whole-family activities that reliably end in tears.
Let’s think about an example (fictional but based on real families I’ve worked with). A family has an older neurotypical child and a younger autistic child, whose weekends were regularly stressful and draining because the parents felt everything had to be done as a foursome.
Once they accepted that the children enjoyed different things, they planned some separate activities, such as one parent taking the older child swimming while the other stayed home for a quieter activity. They also gave the older child a valued role, like helping choose a game his brother would enjoy.
Finally, they kept a few shared anchor points: simple family traditions, such as Saturday pancakes or a Sunday walk, that everyone could count on. Before long, everyone (including the parents) got their weekends back.
Different boundaries, clearly explained
Boundaries keep children safe and contained, like the walls of a garden inside which everything can grow. They only need to be consistent for each child, rather than identical across children.
Why does my brother get to stay up later? Because he is older and needs less sleep.
Why does my sister get help with things I do by myself? Because her brain finds those things harder right now.
Even young children can accept a clear why, especially when difference is discussed openly and often in your family, from hair colour to sensory needs. If a sibling has a diagnosis of autism, my guide to explaining autism to siblings covers those conversations age by age.
Consequences can differ too. A younger or developmentally younger child needs them soon after the event; an older child can connect tomorrow’s consequence to today’s choice. And when you get it wrong, admit it and do your best to repair your mistake: “I got cross and took that away with no warning, that wasn’t fair, we’ll do it differently.” If you parent with a partner, try to agree this together so the children see a united front.
TAKE THE QUIZ!
Pick your battles with traffic lights
When you feel pulled in every direction, picking your battles protects everyone’s energy. My article on managing difficult behaviour, along with the free behaviour management pack, explains a simple traffic light approach to deciding which behaviours really matter, which you can let go for now, and which you want to encourage. The traffic lights will look different for each child, and that’s exactly the point.
Protect connection with each child
The best way to protect against sibling resentment is to help each child feel secure in their relationship with you. This is more about quality than quantity. Micro moments are brief moments of connection that happen throughout the day, such as a special goodbye each morning, chatting while walking home from school, or ten minutes of crafts with your full attention.
Keep a few simple family rituals too, such as Friday pizza night or a Sunday walk. These regular routines help everyone feel connected, even when family life is busy or children’s needs are very different. Most importantly, never take away one-to-one time as a punishment.
Expect feelings of unfairness anyway, and focus on validating feelings rather than justification: “I know it feels unfair that your sister gets more of my time, and I understand why it’s frustrating.” Ordinary sibling rivalry will still happen, and that is a normal part of children working out who they are.
You need support too
Supporting a child whose needs are different can be exhausting, so remember to look after yourself too. Build your own support network as deliberately as you build support for your child. The UK charity Sibs supports brothers and sisters of disabled children and their parents. If you are unsure what neurodivergence means for your family, start with my guide.
Things may not always go smoothly, and that is okay. When children understand that everyone’s needs are different, and families learn how to work with those differences, every child has the chance to thrive.
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology. She qualified as a clinical psychologist from Oxford University in 2005 and worked in the National Health Service for many years before moving fully into her leadership and writing roles.
In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
Lucy lives with her family, rescue cats and dog, and also fosters cats through a local animal welfare charity. She loves singing in a vocal harmony group and spending time in nature.
