Childhood Anxiety: Finding the Sweet Spot Between Push and Protect
As a clinical psychologist working with anxious children, one of the most common dilemmas parents bring to my clinic sounds something like this:
“My 9-year-old son gets intensely anxious about school tests. He’s started complaining of stomachaches the night before and sometimes refuses to go to school on test days. Should I insist he attends to face his fears, or let him stay home when he’s this distressed? I want to help him learn to manage his anxiety, but I don’t want to push him to the point where his anxiety gets worse.”
This question – in countless variations – lies at the heart of parenting an anxious child.
How do you balance encouraging them to face a fear with protecting your child from overwhelming distress?
After years of guiding families through this delicate terrain, I’ve come to see this not as a simple either/or choice, but as finding what I call the “growth sweet spot”.
It’s that middle ground where children feel challenged but not overwhelmed.
Balancing Act: The Anxiety Dilemma Parents Face
When your child struggles with anxiety, you face a genuine parenting dilemma.
Push too hard, and you risk overwhelming them, potentially deepening their anxiety and damaging trust.
Protect too much, and you might unintentionally teach them that anxiety should be avoided rather than managed, limiting their growth and independence.
I see this struggle daily in my clinical practice. Parents arrive feeling torn between conflicting advice:
“You need to push them out of their comfort zone.”
Versus:
“Don’t traumatise them by forcing them into scary situations.”
Both approaches have some truth in them, but neither gives parents the clear, practical advice they need.
The reality is that supporting anxious children works best when you find a thoughtful middle ground between these extremes.
What makes this particularly challenging is that the right balance differs not just for each child, but for each situation and developmental stage.
What worked yesterday might not work today.
What’s appropriate for one anxiety-provoking situation might be completely wrong for another.
Tuning Into Your Child’s Anxiety Signals
Before you can find the sweet spot between pushing and protecting, you need to become fluent in your child’s unique anxiety language. In other words, you need to learn how to read their specific signals.
Every anxious child communicates their distress differently.
Some become irritable or angry when anxious, while others grow quiet or clingy.
Some show primarily physical symptoms like stomachaches, while others express worry verbally.
Olivia, age 8, would begin clearing her throat repeatedly when anxiety was building – a signal her parents initially missed. Once they recognized this as her telltale sign of anxiety, they were better equipped to gauge when to encourage and when to support.
My suggestions:
- Notice patterns around timing, situations, and physical complaints
- Watch for subtle behavioural changes that come before full anxiety responses
- Listen for themes in your child’s worries rather than just the content
- Track what happens before, during, and after anxiety peaks
- Consider keeping a simple journal to identify patterns you might otherwise miss
This deeper understanding forms the foundation for knowing when to gently push forward and when to provide a safe harbour.
Finding Your Child’s “Growth Zone”
Every anxious child has what I call a “growth zone”. This is the space between comfortable familiarity and overwhelming fear.
Think of it as three concentric circles:
- The inner circle is the comfort zone—activities that cause little or no anxiety
- The middle circle is the growth zone—where manageable anxiety meets new learning opportunities
- The outer circle is the panic zone—where anxiety becomes overwhelming and learning stops
The sweet spot for development lies in that middle circle.
For some children, this zone might be narrow, while for others, it’s wider. The key is learning to recognise your particular child’s signals when they’re in each zone.
Parents of anxious children often tell me they struggle to tell the difference between helpful anxiety (which promotes growth) and harmful anxiety (which leads to shutdown).
I teach them specific physical and behavioural signs to watch for:
Signs your child is in their growth zone:
- Shows interest despite some hesitation
- Can talk about their worries
- Breathing remains relatively normal
- Can still respond to questions and guidance
- Has nervous energy but remains engaged
Signs your child has moved into their panic zone:
- Significant breathing changes or physical symptoms
- Unable to process information or instructions
- Emotional flooding or shutdown
- Fight-flight-freeze responses
- Difficulty returning to normal after the experience
Learning to recognise these zones helps you make better decisions about when to encourage your child forward and when to provide more protection and support.
The Gentle Guide Approach: Neither Pushing Nor Protecting
In my practice, I’ve found that the most effective stance for parents isn’t best described as either pushing or protecting, but rather what I call “gentle guiding.”
This approach positions you alongside your child rather than either behind (pushing) or in front (protecting).
The gentle guide:
- Walks with the child toward challenges at the child’s pace
- Offers encouragement without pushing
- Provides safety without taking over
- Accepts their struggles while showing confidence in their abilities
- Adjusts support based on the child’s changing needs
For example, 11-year-old Max struggled with severe anxiety about contamination.
His father had been firmly in the “push” camp, insisting Max touch things he found disgusting to “get over it.” His mother took the opposite approach, cleaning everything for him to reduce his distress. Neither strategy was helping.
We developed a gentle guiding approach where both parents would:
- Express understanding of Max’s genuine distress
- Offer information about how contamination actually works
- Suggest small experiments they could try together
- Allow Max to set the pace of these experiments
- Celebrate his efforts regardless of outcome
This middle-path approach led to gradual but consistent progress without the power struggles and resistance they’d been experiencing.
When parents find this balanced stance, they often report that the entire family dynamic shifts. The child feels both supported and empowered, while parents feel more confident in navigating the complex territory of childhood anxiety.
Creating “Brave Moments” in Everyday Life
One approach I’ve found particularly effective is helping parents identify opportunities for what I call “brave moments”. Small, manageable chances to practise facing anxiety within the safety of everyday routines.
Unlike formal exposure therapy, these brave moments are woven naturally into family life.
They might include:
- Asking your child to order their own food at a restaurant
- Encouraging them to ask a shop assistant where to find something
- Having them make a brief phone call to a familiar relative
- Walking slightly ahead on a familiar walking route
- Staying in their own bed despite feeling anxious
The beauty of brave moments is that they’re brief, and embedded within otherwise comfortable situations. They provide natural opportunities to practise anxiety management skills.
Parents report that the everyday nature of these mini-challenges makes them feel more natural and less threatening to both parent and child.
TAKE THE QUIZ!
The Parent’s Emotional Tug-of-War
Parenting an anxious child can feel like an emotional tug-of-war. Your instinct to protect battles with your understanding of what your child needs for healthy development.
This internal conflict is entirely normal. Your protective response is biologically wired—seeing your child in distress activates primitive regions of your brain designed to keep them safe.
Meanwhile, your rational understanding of anxiety tells you that some exposure to challenges is necessary for growth.
Many parents find it helpful to develop a personal phrase for these moments, such as “I can support without rescuing” or “This discomfort helps them grow.” These simple words can create just enough space between feeling and action to allow for a more balanced response.
Building a Toolkit Together: Collaborative Anxiety Management
A breakthrough moment for many families in my clinic comes when they shift from seeing anxiety management as something they do to or for their child, to something they collaborate on together.
This partnership approach transforms the dynamic from a potential power struggle to a shared project.
This toolkit might include:
- Agreed-upon signals your child can use when feeling overwhelmed
- Comfort objects that provide a sense of security during challenges
- Personalised coping statements that resonate with your child
- Breathing or grounding techniques practised together during calm times
- Role-played scenarios for anticipated difficult situations
- Visual aids like worry jars to help express worry and make it feel manageable.
Eleven year-old Mia and her parents developed a simple hand signal she could use in social situations when her anxiety was building. This gave her a sense of control and her parents vital information about when to step in with support, versus when to encourage continued engagement.
Turning Points: Navigating Decision Moments
Parents of anxious children face regular moments that I call “anxiety decision points”. They are those situations where you must decide whether to encourage facing a fear or allow your child to step back.
These moments often feel important and difficult.
When you’re facing an anxiety decision point, consider:
1. What’s the potential benefit of pushing forward?
- Is this an important life skill they need to develop?
- Is avoiding this creating significant limitations?
- Will facing this now prevent bigger challenges later?
2. What’s the potential cost of pushing forward?
- How severe is their current anxiety about this?
- Is this situation unusually challenging owing to other factors?
- What’s their emotional reserve like today?
3. What’s the context of this particular situation?
- Is this part of a pattern or an isolated challenge?
- Are there particular aspects making this harder right now?
- Are there ways to modify the situation to increase success?
4. What does intuition tell you about your child’s capacity right now?
- Do they seem more open to suggestions or more fragile than usual?
- Is there emotional bandwidth for a challenge today?
- What is your relationship like at this moment?
I worked with Hannah, whose 7-year-old son Noah refused to enter his classroom despite previously enjoying school.
We identified the following:
The benefit: Noah would keep going to school and wouldn’t avoid it
The cost: Noah felt very nervous but Hannah knew it only took a few minutes for him to settle in and then he seemed happy
The context: There was a different teacher than usual that day
Her intuition: She felt Noah could handle it with some support
This led to a balanced approach: Hannah stayed with Noah in the classroom for 10 minutes, then gradually withdrew, rather than either forcing him to stay alone immediately or taking him home.
When to Consult a Professional About Childhood Anxiety
While many anxious children respond well to thoughtful parenting approaches, there are times when professional support becomes essential.
I encourage parents to consider seeking help when:
- Your child’s anxiety is causing significant and long-lasting distress or affecting multiple areas of life (sleep, school, friendships, family relationships)
- You’ve tried consistent approaches for 4-6 months without improvement
- Your child’s anxiety seems to be worsening despite your best efforts
- Your child expresses thoughts about not wanting to live or feeling hopeless
- Your child develops physical symptoms that have been medically cleared but persist, like stomach pains
- Family life has become centred around accommodating your child’s anxiety
Early intervention can make a substantial difference.
Many parents tell me they wish they’d sought help sooner rather than trying to manage everything themselves.
What might professional help look like?
For childhood anxiety, evidence-based approaches often include:
- Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) specifically adapted for children
- Family-based interventions that help the whole “system” of your family adjust your patterns
- Sometimes, particularly for older children with severe anxiety, medication may be considered in conjunction with therapy
As a clinical psychologist, I find that most children with anxiety respond well to appropriate intervention, especially when their parents are involved in the process.
The right support can help both you and your child develop skills that will serve you well beyond the current challenges.
Related Articles
Is Your Child’s Worry More Than Just a Phase? Recognize the Signs of Anxiety
How to Explain Worry and Anxiety to a Child
How to Help Your Child With Separation Anxiety at School Drop-Off
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years.
In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
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