The Avoidance Trap: Why Avoidance Makes Your Child’s Anxiety Worse
In my clinical practice, I see this scenario play out time and again:
A child feels anxious about something. Perhaps it’s going to school, speaking up in class, or attending a birthday party. Their anxiety manifests as stomach aches, tears, or outright refusal.
As loving parents, your instinct is to protect them from distress, so you allow them to avoid the situation.
Both of you feel immediate relief… but here’s what happens next.
The next time a similar situation arises, their anxiety returns – often stronger than before. And so the cycle continues, with avoidance seeming to offer temporary relief while actually strengthening anxiety’s grip.
Why Avoidance Makes Anxiety Worse
Imagine your child’s brain as a sophisticated learning machine. Every time they face a feared situation and survive it, their brain receives crucial information: “That wasn’t as dangerous as I thought.” But when avoidance happens, their brain is denied this vital learning opportunity.
Instead, it receives a very different message: “That situation must truly be dangerous – we had to escape it.” This reinforces the anxiety and makes it more likely to occur next time.
This creates what psychologists call the “anxiety avoidance cycle” – a self-perpetuating pattern where:
- The child feels anxious about a situation
- They avoid the situation to reduce their immediate distress
- This temporary relief reinforces the avoidance behavior
- Without exposure to the feared situation, they never learn it isn’t actually dangerous
- Their anxiety about the situation increases
- The next time the situation arises, they’re even more likely to avoid it
Research from the field of cognitive behavioural therapy consistently shows this pattern.
The more a child avoids anxiety-provoking situations, the more entrenched their anxiety becomes.
The False Promise of Protection
Many well-meaning parents I work with initially believe they’re helping their child by enabling avoidance. And yes – in the short term, it does reduce distress for everyone involved.
But I always encourage parents to think longer-term. What message are we sending our children when we allow them to avoid things that make them anxious? Perhaps unintentionally, we’re teaching them:
- These feelings are too big for you to handle
- The only way to manage anxiety is to avoid what triggers it
- You need protection from normal life challenges
These lessons can significantly limit a child’s confidence and resilience.
When working with families, I focus on helping parents shift from protecting their child from anxiety to supporting them through it.
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Why “Throwing Them in the Deep End” Isn’t the Answer Either
If avoidance reinforces anxiety, you might think the opposite approach – forced exposure – is the solution. But this is where many parents and even some professionals get it wrong.
Forcing an anxious child to face their biggest fears without adequate preparation or support can be traumatic. It can break trust and lead to even more entrenched avoidance patterns.
I often explain to parents that there’s a crucial middle ground between avoidance and forced exposure. This approach, grounded in clinical research, involves gradually facing fears in a planned, supported way.
The Stepladder Approach: A Clinical Framework That Works
In my practice, I teach families to use what we call the “stepladder approach”, also known as an anxiety ladder, fear hierarchy, or graded exposure ladder.
It’s a structured form of graded exposure that has strong evidence behind it.
Here’s how we implement it:
1. Understand the Specific Anxiety
Before creating a plan, we need to understand exactly what’s happening. When I work with children, I help them identify:
- What specifically triggers their anxiety
- What thoughts go through their mind
- What physical sensations they experience
- What they predict will happen in the feared situation
This detailed understanding allows us to design meaningful exposure steps.
2. Create a Fear Hierarchy
Together with your child, create a ladder of situations, starting with the least anxiety-provoking (perhaps just talking about the feared situation) through to the most challenging (full engagement in the activity).
For example, if your child is anxious about swimming, the steps might range from watching other children swim from a distance, to sitting with feet in the pool, to eventually swimming independently.
Each step should:
- Be specific and measurable
- Represent a manageable increase in difficulty
- Feel challenging but achievable with support
3. Start Small and Build Gradually – Always at Your Child’s Pace
Begin with steps that cause mild anxiety – perhaps 3 or 4 out of 10 on your child’s personal anxiety scale.
Stay at each step until your child’s anxiety reduces naturally (this is known as “habituation”). Ideally it will go down to a 0 or a 1 out of 10.
I cannot emphasize this enough that the pace must be dictated by your child, not by external timelines or your own expectations.
In my clinical experience, pushing a child to move faster than they’re ready almost always backfires. When children feel rushed, their anxiety typically increases, and they become resistant to the entire process.
In my experience, parents often want to progress too quickly. I remind them that building confidence at each level is crucial for success. Your child needs to experience that:
- They can tolerate the anxiety
- The anxiety will decrease on its own if they stay in the situation
- The feared outcome usually doesn’t happen
4. Provide the Right Support
How you support your child through this process makes all the difference.
Rather than repeatedly reassuring them nothing bad will happen (which can actually increase anxiety), focus on:
- Validating their feelings: “I can see this feels scary for you”
- Expressing confidence in their ability: “I know you can handle this”
- Noticing and celebrating brave behaviour: “You showed real courage today”
- Respecting their pace: “We’ll take this at your speed – you decide when you’re ready for the next step”
5. Build in Rewards For Effort, Not Just Success
When I design exposure plans with families, I emphasise rewarding a child’s willingness to try, regardless of the outcome.
This keeps motivation high and focuses on the process rather than perfect results.
Also remember that the timing might not be right and a child should never be punished for this or pushed to face their fears if they are already overwhelmed.
For example, a teenager who is fearful of speaking to strangers would be better off waiting until after their forthcoming GCSE exams to tackle a plan of graded exposure, rather than trying to do both at the same time!
When More Support Is Needed
While many families can implement these strategies with guidance, sometimes more intensive support is needed.
I can highly recommend the following children’s workbook:
For parents, this is a detailed, helpful resource:
Helping Your Child With Fears & Worries by Cathy Cresswell & Lucy Willetts
Consider seeking professional help if:
- Your child’s anxiety is severe and significantly impacts their everyday functioning
- They show signs of other mental health concerns alongside anxiety
- Multiple attempts at graded exposure haven’t yielded progress
- Your own anxiety makes it difficult to support your child through exposure
Early intervention from a clinical psychologist or other mental health professional can make a significant difference in outcomes.
The Courage to Face Fears
Supporting your anxious child requires patience, consistency, and courage – from both of you. It means sitting with their distress rather than immediately relieving it, which can be incredibly difficult for you and for them.
But the rewards are worth it.
Children who learn to gradually face their fears develop resilience that extends far beyond the specific anxiety they’ve overcome. They discover an essential truth that will serve them throughout life: they can feel anxious and still do difficult things.
As a clinical psychologist, both in the NHS and private practice I’ve seen countless children transform through this approach.
From being limited by their fears to feeling capable of tackling life’s challenges.
The journey isn’t always linear, but with persistent, compassionate support, children can break free from the avoidance trap and develop the emotional skills they need to thrive.
Related Articles
Childhood Anxiety: Finding the Sweet Spot Between Push and Protect
When Your Child Feels Too Anxious To Go To School
Childhood Phobias: Treatment and Support
Overcoming Anxiety Together: How to Help Your Child With Anxiety
Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years.
In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.
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