Written by Dr Lucy Russell DClinPsyc CPsychol AFBPsS

I am the mum of a “recovering perfectionist” daughter, who is now a university student! I am also a clinical psychologist and therapist and I work with children who are perfectionists every day.

I want to take you through eight important strategies to support your child if they are a perfectionist.

It’s really important, because perfectionism can lead to poor mental health including high stress and anxiety. It can also impact hugely on a child’s self-esteem.

Recognise the Signs of Perfectionism in Your Child

Perfectionist children often set impossibly high standards for themselves, fear making mistakes, and can be their own toughest critics.

But you can help your child find a healthier balance, by focusing on effort and growth instead of flawless outcomes.

How many of the following signs can you recognise in your own child?

Setting Unrealistic Goals

Perfectionist children often establish impossibly high expectations for themselves. Whether it’s achieving top marks in every subject, excelling in sports, or crafting a flawless art piece, they set the bar so high it becomes unattainable. This constant push for perfection leaves them feeling frustrated or defeated when they don’t meet their own standards.

Being Highly Self-Critical

When things don’t go as planned, perfectionists can be brutally self-critical. They dwell on mistakes, replaying them in their minds, and may even feel shame over imperfections others wouldn’t notice. This inner dialogue is often harsh and unforgiving, making it hard for them to appreciate their successes.

Fear of Making Mistakes

Perfectionist children tend to avoid situations where they risk failing or falling short. A simple task, like answering a question in class or trying a new hobby, can provoke anxiety if they aren’t sure they’ll excel. This fear holds them back from exploring new opportunities or learning through trial and error.

Procrastination and Task Paralysis

Oddly, perfectionism often leads to procrastination. Children may delay starting projects because they’re unsure how to do them perfectly or because they fear not meeting their own expectations. At times, they may abandon tasks entirely, stuck in a cycle of overthinking and indecision.

Difficulty Completing Tasks

Even when they manage to start, perfectionist kids may struggle to finish tasks. They can become so caught up in small details—endlessly revising, editing, or redoing work—that completing the task feels impossible. What seems like diligence is often a hidden fear of falling short.

Need for Constant Reassurance

Perfectionist children often seek frequent validation from parents, teachers, or peers. “Did I do this right?” or “Is this good enough?” are common questions they ask, desperate for reassurance that their efforts measure up. This dependence on external approval reflects their uncertainty in self-evaluation.

Meltdowns Over Perceived Failures

When things don’t go according to plan, small mistakes can trigger big reactions. A minor error, like spelling a word wrong or losing at a game, might result in frustration, tears, or full-blown meltdowns. These over-the-top reactions reveal the deep pressure they feel to meet their sky-high standards.

Bringing awareness to these behaviours is the first step towards helping a perfectionist child embrace imperfection and develop a balanced perspective. Understanding these traits will allow you to support their emotional well-being and foster their ability to grow through learning and effort.

Okay, so your child is a perfectionist. They are, I’m sure, destined for great success, but we must help them manage their perfectionism to ensure they stay mentally healthy and well.

Here are 8 strategies I recommend.

Strategy 1: Grow a Growth Mindset

Is your child afraid to make mistakes? I’ll let you in on a powerful secret: it’s all about mindset.

When children believe their abilities can grow through effort (that’s what we call a growth mindset), they’re more likely to embrace challenges rather than fear them.

You can either see abilities as fixed (“I’m just not good at math”) or growable (“I can get better at math if I practice”). The first path leads to fear of mistakes; the second opens doors to endless possibilities.

Want to help your child develop a growth mindset? Focus on their journey, not just the destination. Instead of “You’re so smart!” try:

“I saw how you kept trying different ways to solve that puzzle. That kind of persistence really pays off!”
“When that first attempt didn’t work, you didn’t give up. I love seeing that determination!”

Praising effort isn’t just about making your child feel good. It’s about teaching them that success comes from trying, learning, and yes, sometimes failing along the way.

One powerful tool is using the word “yet”.

For instance, when a child says, “I can’t solve this problem,” encourage them to reframe it as, “I can’t solve this problem yet.” This slight adjustment reminds them that improvement is possible with more effort.

Strategy 2: Challenge Unrealistic Expectations

Is your child constantly setting impossible standards? You know the ones – “I must get 100% on every test” or “This drawing has to be perfect.” These unrealistic expectations can paralyze them from even trying. Let me show you how to help them set standards that challenge but don’t overwhelm.

Start by setting more achievable goals together. I find that breaking down big aspirations into manageable steps makes all the difference.

For instance, if your child says “I need to be the best in my class at everything,” help them explore and reshape this into “I’ll aim to improve my maths score by practising these specific topics.”

Here’s my practical approach:

• Sit down together and listen to their goals, then guide them toward realistic versions
• Take big goals and break them into smaller weekly targets
• Help them focus on just one or two priorities at a time
• Set clear deadlines so tasks don’t stretch endlessly
• Talk about potential obstacles before they hit them

When faced with challenges (and they will face them), teach them this problem-solving strategy:

“I can see you’re stuck on this maths problem. Instead of expecting to figure it out instantly, let’s identify what’s tripping you up. What solutions can we think of? Maybe we try one method first, and if that doesn’t work, we have other options ready.”

Strategy 3: Encourage Self-Compassion

What if I told you the most powerful tool against perfectionism is learning to be kind to yourself? Self-compassion means treating yourself like you’d treat a good friend. It’s a game-changer for perfectionist kids who are often their own harshest critics.

I have become really good at this skill over the years, but it takes a lot of practise!

Let’s start with their inner voice. You know that critical voice that says “I’m not good enough” or “I should have done better”? We can help them transform it. Instead of “I’m terrible at this,” teach them to say “I’m still learning, and that’s okay”.

Spot the thought, then replace it. Repeat over and over. Eventually, the new beliefs become the default ones!

Share these gentle reminders:

• “I’m doing my best right now”
• “Mistakes help me learn”
• “Everyone has hard days – this will pass”

But here’s the real secret: your child is watching how you treat yourself.

When you make a mistake, do you beat yourself up or show self-compassion?

Try saying things like “Oops, I messed up there – that’s okay, let me try again” or “I need a break to recharge, and that’s perfectly fine.”

Remember those times when you comforted your child after a disappointment? That’s exactly how we want them to learn to comfort themselves. Show them that being imperfect is what makes us human.

By teaching your child this skill, you’re giving them a gift they’ll use their entire life.

Strategy 4: Help Them Embrace Imperfection

Want to help your perfectionist child see mistakes differently? When kids understand that nobody’s perfect – not even their heroes – they feel more confident trying new things.

Let’s start with some amazing books that make mistakes feel less scary:

• “The Most Magnificent Thing” by Ashley Spires is about a little girl who learns that frustration can lead to wonderful inventions
• “The Book of Mistakes” by Corinna Luyken reveals how ‘mess-ups’ can transform into masterpieces
• “Beautiful Oops!” by Barney Saltzberg turns spills and smudges into art, showing kids that accidents can be awesome

There are also many stories about famous people who messed up or faced obstacles on their way to success.

Try sharing these:

• Emma Watson struggled with self-doubt and nearly quit acting during Harry Potter, but pushed through to become not just an actress but a powerful voice for young people
• Lewis Hamilton crashed many times in his early racing days and came last in several races before becoming a seven-time Formula 1 World Champion
• Thomas Edison tried over 1,000 times to invent the light bulb. His response? “I haven’t failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”
• Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first TV job but went on to become one of the world’s most influential people

Ask your child: “What if Emma Watson had quit when things got tough?” or “How do you think Lewis Hamilton felt when he came last?” These conversations help them see that it’s not about being perfect – it’s about keeping going, especially when things get tough.

In fact, we’re showing our children that mistakes are often the best teachers we have.

Strategy 5: Focus on the Joy of the Process

Is your perfectionist child so focused on the end result that they’ve forgotten how to have fun along the way? Let me show you how to help them rediscover the magic in the messy middle.

When kids can explore without worrying about getting everything right, amazing things happen. They take risks, get creative, and most importantly – they learn while having fun.

Here are some ideas:

Get messy with science! Let them hypothesize what might happen when they mix baking soda and vinegar, or challenge them to build the tallest tower they can with straws. When the volcano overflows or the tower topples, that’s not failure – that’s discovery in action.

Art becomes an adventure when there’s no “right way” to do it. Give them paint, clay, or crayons and watch their creativity soar. Say goodbye to colouring inside the lines and hello to wild color combinations and unexpected masterpieces.

Grab some Lego bricks or empty boxes and let them build whatever their imagination dreams up. There’s no instruction manual for creativity! And don’t forget the kitchen – baking together teaches them that even if the cookies aren’t perfectly round, they can still taste amazing.

But here’s a really important part: help them see that they’re not in a race against everyone else.

Try:

• Celebrating their personal victories: “You’re reading much more fluently than last month!”
• Playing together, not against each other: Think puzzle-solving and family board games
• Setting goals that matter to them: “I want to learn three new songs on the piano”
• Sharing your own journey: “You know, I used to worry about getting my drawings perfect too, but now I just enjoy creating”

Strategy 6: Limit Criticism and Pressure

Ever noticed how your perfectionist child seems to carry the weight of the world on their small shoulders? Let me show you how to lift some of that burden by creating a space where they can breathe, grow, and make mistakes without fear.

The secret lies in how we give feedback. Think of it like being their guide rather than their critic. Instead of “This is wrong,” try “I see you’re stuck here – shall we figure it out together?” It’s amazing how this simple shift can help them feel supported rather than judged.

Here are some phrases that work wonders:

• “I can see how much thought you put into this. What part are you most proud of?”
• “That’s an interesting approach! Talk me through how you got there”
• “You’re making progress here – what do you think could make it even better?”

But here’s what often trips us up as parents: comparisons. Saying things like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Everyone else in your class has finished” might seem motivating, but they’re actually adding to that perfectionist pressure.

Instead, try:

• Celebrating their personal journey: “Remember when this was really hard? Look how far you’ve come!”
• Spotting their unique strengths: “The way you solved that problem was so creative”
• Setting goals that matter to them: “What would you like to work on next?”

Your child is like a flower – they’ll bloom best when given sunshine and support, not when compared to the rest of the garden!

Strategy 7: Model Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Want to know one of the most powerful ways to help your perfectionist child? Show them how you handle your own tough moments. They’re watching and learning from you more than you might think.

Let me show you how to turn everyday challenges into teaching moments. Next time something goes wrong (and it will!), try saying out loud: “Wow, I’m feeling really frustrated right now. I’m going to take five deep breaths before I try again.” You’ve just shown them two important things: it’s okay to feel stressed, and there are healthy ways to handle it.

Here’s what works in real life:

• When you’re overwhelmed with work, say: “I need a quick walk to clear my head”
• If a recipe goes wrong, laugh and say: “Well, that didn’t go as planned! Let’s see what we can learn from this”
• When you’re tired, normalize rest: “I’ve worked hard today – now it’s time to recharge”
• If you’re stuck on a problem, show them how to get help: “I’m going to call a friend who’s good at this”

But don’t forget to take care of yourself too. You can’t help your child manage their perfectionism if you’re running on empty. Show them that self-care isn’t selfish by:

• Making time for things you enjoy
• Eating well and staying active
• Learning to say “no” when your plate is full
• Taking breaks without feeling guilty

Remember, you’re not just teaching them how to cope with stress – you’re showing them what a balanced, healthy life looks like. And that’s one of the greatest gifts you can give a perfectionist child.

Strategy 8: Seek Professional Support When Needed

Sometimes, despite our best efforts as parents, we need extra help supporting our perfectionist child. Let me help you understand when and where to find that support.

First, trust your instincts. If you notice your child’s perfectionism is causing real distress, it might be time to reach out. Watch for signs like:

• Constant anxiety about getting things “just right”
• Avoiding activities they used to love because they’re afraid of making mistakes
• Regular meltdowns over small errors
• Saying negative things about themselves often
• Withdrawing from friends or family
• Showing signs of depression or extreme stress

These may be signs your child needs more support than you can provide alone.

Here’s who can help:

• Child Psychologists understand how perfectionism affects young minds and can teach practical coping strategies as well as helping them adapt unhelpful thinking styles.
• Family Therapists work with everyone at home to ensure a more supportive environment and supportive relationships.
• School Counsellors can help your child talk through their perfectionist tendencies and how these are impacting them
• Play Therapists make therapy fun and natural for younger children who have perfectionist tendencies but would struggle with talking therapy.

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Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and autism assessments. She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years. In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children.

Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need.

Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.

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